Uncomfortably Numb

Today has been a strange day. I feel like I have been on a see-saw.

Started the morning with a text from a friend which put a smile on my face on and off for much of the day.

Thank you. You know who you are.

Nick thought it would be a good idea to start moaning at me right off the bat as I walked through the living room. He did it in front of the children too. No big surprise there - he only ever thinks of himself. As has become my habit I restrained myself and refused to argue.

Its getting increasingly difficult not to argue or tell him exactly what I think of him but I just keep thinking to myself that this is character building and it will all be over at some point soon.

Work has been busy but boring. I am bored with doing the same old crap all the time. I need a new challenge.

And for some reason - despite my feeling a little more positive yesterday and realising that everything happens for a reason - I have had a whole slew of things running through my head today. Things right from early childhood til now. Things which make me wonder why I even get up in the morning.

I feel like crap this evening. My head hurts and my heart hurts but I have to put on a happy face and smile for the children and pretend its all OK.

But I'm not OK.

I'm not OK with not being able to write what I really think or feel because of who may or may not read this.

I'm not OK with certain people who are supposed to love me unconditionally but it seems help me only when I am doing things for them when they want me to.

I'm not OK with being second best... second choice... whatever. Of never quite being good enough. Of being the fall-back option. Someone's bit on the side. That's happened to me too many times - more often than not without me realising it at first. Truth be told that's probably the key reason I was with Nick in the first place - he didn't have anyone else and I wasn't playing second fiddle.

I'm not OK with being someone's secret. Of being kept hidden away behind a wall of lies and secrecy. I've spent much of my life behind a wall. It's happened to me too many times - starting with my own father who kept me secret from his family for the first 16 years of my life and then got angry with me for telling them who I really was when they met me with him and thought I was his girlfriend. Apparently he would have rather they thought I was his girlfriend. How fucked up is that?

I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to look at life from the top of my wall rather than from behind it. Trying to get a new perspective.

I'm writing what I feel now.

I'm doing the things I want to do when I want to do them. People around me will have to accept that I am my own person and have my own life. I can't always jump through hoops at their beck and call.

I'm not second best any more. I'll never have to settle for being second best any more. I have a choice. I can see that.

I'm not really someone's secret any more. For the most part. That goes hand in hand with refusing to be second best. I won't always be a secret and I know, logically that not all men are like my father. Now I just have to learn that emotionally and stop hiding myself away just because he hid me away.

I might need a little help to knock those walls down. But I have some good people in my life who I know will be there to help me. I hope will be there to help me.

I am not OK...

Yet...

But I will be.