Feeling really flat today. Kind of tired and washed out. And a bit sick. Don't feel like eating but made myself because I was getting nagged at by all and sundry.
One day of not having an appetite does not mean I have reinstated my former eating disorder people! I am not at risk of fading into nothing. At absolute best I have gone from a size 24 to a size 20 - or maybe an 18 at a push - in the past 3 months.
Still at home this evening. Would have gone to Keith's but quite apart from the fact that he is possibly getting a bit overwhelmed with his constant visitor and he had things to do tonight anyway, I need to spend some time with my girls. More so as Nick refuses to allow me to take Gemima with me to Keith's.
We were going to go and see Richard Hammond doing his book signing thing at Bluewater tomorrow - but its only on from 1-2 and the chances of getting anything signed in that timeframe.... slim to none I would have thought. So we're not going. We'll probably do some Christmas shopping or something. Or maybe I can buy some jeans as I have no sodding clothes that fit me any more - even those ones that were skin-tight and uncomfortable are now falling off me.
Gotta love the Stress Plan Diet...!
Friday, 30 November 2007
Good Grief
Nick and I actually had a civil conversation last night without me being shouted at or called names or accused of anything!
Might even have sorted out Christmas arrangements.
Remains to be seen whether it will be stuck to - but at least its a start.
Watch this space.
Might even have sorted out Christmas arrangements.
Remains to be seen whether it will be stuck to - but at least its a start.
Watch this space.
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Fairweather Friends And All That
I was going to write a big ranting blog about a so-called friend of mine who has been a total cow and has deleted me from her friends list on facebook and blocked me over a picture of a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs which her boyfriend has accused me of sending him... only I didn't send them to him... I sent them to her.
I was going to write about how pissed off I am but you know what... I can't be arsed. After an evening of being shocked and then upset over it I came to the conclusion that even if we have known each other for 12 years, if she is prepared to end our friendship over a picture, then she was never a friend to start with and is no great loss.
She only ever phoned when she wanted something anyway - so I guess that is another burden off my shoulders if nothing else.
Fucking Fairweather Friends
I was going to write about how pissed off I am but you know what... I can't be arsed. After an evening of being shocked and then upset over it I came to the conclusion that even if we have known each other for 12 years, if she is prepared to end our friendship over a picture, then she was never a friend to start with and is no great loss.
She only ever phoned when she wanted something anyway - so I guess that is another burden off my shoulders if nothing else.
Fucking Fairweather Friends
Sophie's home!!
Good news at last!
Thought it would never happen on this blog, didn't you!!
Well, aha - you were wrong!
Yes - as the title says - Sophie is indeed back at home. She has, I believe, actually been discharged this time and shouldn't be back in until her op to remove the gallbladder.
At least - we hope!
Thought it would never happen on this blog, didn't you!!
Well, aha - you were wrong!
Yes - as the title says - Sophie is indeed back at home. She has, I believe, actually been discharged this time and shouldn't be back in until her op to remove the gallbladder.
At least - we hope!
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Chrisfarce Lights
Well, its nearly Chrisfarce again and we have reached the time of year when usually sane people attempt to outdo each other in the who-can-make-the-house-look-the-tackiest competition. Each year it gets that little bit earlier and that little bit more nauseating.
I am sure that at some point I will wander about with my camera and take pics to post here. Until that time I shall continue to drive past with a look of combined revulsion and morbid fascination at the ridiculous display.
Grumble, grumble!!!!!
I am sure that at some point I will wander about with my camera and take pics to post here. Until that time I shall continue to drive past with a look of combined revulsion and morbid fascination at the ridiculous display.
Grumble, grumble!!!!!
Living With An Emotional Pendulum
Nick's mood swings are getting worse. Its a fact.
He was fairly human this evening when I came home from work. Made me a coffee too - which is something he hasn't done in a while. Was almost surreal. Had a relatively normal conversation with no slagging off or nastiness. Is unusual to see Normal Nick make an appearance these days.
I put Gemima to bed. Told Nick I was going to help Karen pack as she is moving this weekend. No problems. He said "see you later then" and even switched on the porch light for me.
Got back.... Normal Nick had disappeared and the one that had taken his place was cycling between Hypochondriac Nick and Angry Nick. Very hard to tell which Nick I am dealing with these days. I know my moods can be changeable but I'm a gemini - its to be expected - and even I can't keep up with him!
He was all ready to go to sleep on the sofa when I walked through the front door. He'd been out having a fag in the garden and stunk out the living room with his nasty ashtray smell.
I listened to him moan about the cold, then about his backache, then about the fact that the sofa is hardly an orthopedic mattress (as he was laying down on it and pulling his blankets on).
I asked if he wanted more blankets and he replied that he would get too hot! After having been moaning about the cold.
I asked if he wanted me to turn off the wall lights, to which I received a grumbled unintelligible response. So I turned them off and got a grumble, so I turned them on again on dim and got another grumble, so I made the point of telling him that I cannot understand him when his face is under a blanket, to which he responded by lifting his head out of the blankets and saying in a very cross voice "I'm having a dizzy spell. I said I was having a dizzy spell." then after a few secnds said "Yes! Turn the lights off then", which I did - to which he said in a very sarcastic voice "Thanks! Thanks VERY much".
I was actually surprised at his sudden change of character so I didn't leave immediately and promptly got told to "piss off then". When I said "what was that?" he replied crossly, "Oh just go to bed!"
Nice. What a tosser. Yes - I know he was hinting that he should be able to have the bed but he didn't actually ask for it. Next time he can switch the lights off himself! Ingrate!
He was fairly human this evening when I came home from work. Made me a coffee too - which is something he hasn't done in a while. Was almost surreal. Had a relatively normal conversation with no slagging off or nastiness. Is unusual to see Normal Nick make an appearance these days.
I put Gemima to bed. Told Nick I was going to help Karen pack as she is moving this weekend. No problems. He said "see you later then" and even switched on the porch light for me.
Got back.... Normal Nick had disappeared and the one that had taken his place was cycling between Hypochondriac Nick and Angry Nick. Very hard to tell which Nick I am dealing with these days. I know my moods can be changeable but I'm a gemini - its to be expected - and even I can't keep up with him!
He was all ready to go to sleep on the sofa when I walked through the front door. He'd been out having a fag in the garden and stunk out the living room with his nasty ashtray smell.
I listened to him moan about the cold, then about his backache, then about the fact that the sofa is hardly an orthopedic mattress (as he was laying down on it and pulling his blankets on).
I asked if he wanted more blankets and he replied that he would get too hot! After having been moaning about the cold.
I asked if he wanted me to turn off the wall lights, to which I received a grumbled unintelligible response. So I turned them off and got a grumble, so I turned them on again on dim and got another grumble, so I made the point of telling him that I cannot understand him when his face is under a blanket, to which he responded by lifting his head out of the blankets and saying in a very cross voice "I'm having a dizzy spell. I said I was having a dizzy spell." then after a few secnds said "Yes! Turn the lights off then", which I did - to which he said in a very sarcastic voice "Thanks! Thanks VERY much".
I was actually surprised at his sudden change of character so I didn't leave immediately and promptly got told to "piss off then". When I said "what was that?" he replied crossly, "Oh just go to bed!"
Nice. What a tosser. Yes - I know he was hinting that he should be able to have the bed but he didn't actually ask for it. Next time he can switch the lights off himself! Ingrate!
New Phone
My super fab and groovy phone is now alive with SatNav wizardry!
Software arrived in the post today along with a free 1gb memory card. Woohoo!!!
Now - if I can just get the damn stuff to run on this sodding PC!
Software arrived in the post today along with a free 1gb memory card. Woohoo!!!
Now - if I can just get the damn stuff to run on this sodding PC!
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Sophie Update
Sophie has had her op! Finally! Done late this morning under a general anasthetic.
Pulled a sicky today (bad girl! I know!) and drove to Chelmsford to be with Keith, Sophie and Keith's Mum at the hospital. Was great - like bunking off school!
Poor Keith was a bit withdrawn and a bit stressy but on the whole, coped really well.
Sophie was back in no time at all minus gallstone and with a widened tube in the gall bladder to stop another stone getting stuck. Plans still afoot to remove the gallbladder in the near future - watch this space.
So, Sophie gets to go home again now (probably tomorrow all being well) and Keith and the kids can get one with being a family without the stress of daily hospital visits.
Big sighs of relief all round I suspect.
Pulled a sicky today (bad girl! I know!) and drove to Chelmsford to be with Keith, Sophie and Keith's Mum at the hospital. Was great - like bunking off school!
Poor Keith was a bit withdrawn and a bit stressy but on the whole, coped really well.
Sophie was back in no time at all minus gallstone and with a widened tube in the gall bladder to stop another stone getting stuck. Plans still afoot to remove the gallbladder in the near future - watch this space.
So, Sophie gets to go home again now (probably tomorrow all being well) and Keith and the kids can get one with being a family without the stress of daily hospital visits.
Big sighs of relief all round I suspect.
Update!
OK - so I have been really slack and not updated the blog for a few days! Apologies to the two people who have moaned at me for it. You are probably the only two people other than me who read it!
so - in a nutshell.... the weekend consisted of:
Friday:
Saturday:
Sunday:
Monday:
so - in a nutshell.... the weekend consisted of:
Friday:
- Argument with Nick in the morning about taking kids to Keith's to watch Ice Hockey. Nick says Gemima is NEVER to go to Keith's or to see ice hockey. (Pah! Yeah! We'll see about that matey!) Nick moaned about not spending enough time with Aaron and bitched that I was taking him away again.
- Text from Nick in the evening to say he has taken kids to Pizza Hut. Got home just before 6pm - 2 hours after I was supposed to have left. Obvious ploy to delay me. Even Aaron could see that and said as much.
- Further disagreement with Nick who failed to see why I was leaving Friday night when Ice Hockey is Sunday - despite having been told Aaron is going to cinema with Sam on Sat afternoon and I don't want to risk being late.
- Nick demanded to have Keith's address because he "has a right to know where his son is being taken". Also stated that if I don't tell him and don't allow him to be a proper father to Aaron then he will get legal advice on having his name taken off of Aaron's adoption certificate so that he is no longer responsible for him!! Fortunately, Aaron had left the room at that point and did not hear.
- Drove to Keith's - Aaron went straight up to play on X-Box with Sam. Sophie was home for the weekend but went up to her room after dinner and I was finally able to relax for the first time in a week and fell asleep on Keith's sofa. What a considerate friend I am!! LMAO! Thank you Keith!
- Missed a call and a text from Nick demanding to say goodnight to Aaron. Finally allowed Aaron to call Nick at just after 11:30pm when I checked my phone.
Saturday:
- Boys dropped off at Sam's friend's house. Aaron got to go to cinema with Sam and his friends and got to join in the sleepover as well. He had a brilliant time and I think it was the highlight of the weekend for him.
- Went to Chelmsford with Keith and Sophie and got new phone - now have fab and gorgeous O2 XDA Orbit which is lovely and has free SatNav.
- Sophie was ill Saturday evening just as we were all relaxing on sofa. Turns out she should have had painkillers over her weekend leave but they had not given any to her. Resulted in her being in much pain and throwing up and a speedy drive back to the hospital where she ended up staying.
Sunday:
- Collected boys in the morning. Texted them to let them know we were coming and that Sophie was back in hospital. In typical boy fashion, neither was ready to go when Keith and I arrived. In fact by all accounts Sam was still in his pants playing games!
- Trundled off to hospital to visit Sophie for a few hours. Left Aaron and Sam to fend for themselves in the house.
- Went to watch Ice Hockey. MUCH better game than last week. We lost - but it was close and not as frustrating to watch.
- Long drive home. Got a bit tearful and emotional at the thought of having to come back and face the barrage of crap Nick has subjected me to over the past week. Fortunately Keith was around to give me a pep talk, a hug and a kick up the bum so I did go in the end!
- Aaron announced in the car that he did not want to go back home. Was difficult for me to have to persuade him that we needed to, especially when I was so reluctant to go myself.
- Message from Jade to say she is staying at my Mum's because she did not want to be at the house while Nick was there.
- Got home to find that Nick was asleep in my bed in the loft. Could not be bothered with the argument and did not want to speak to him or see him so I slept in Jade's bed.
Monday:
- Only a little dig at me in the morning. Commented on the fact that I had not got Aaron to call him on Saturday. Did not want to say that Aaron had not been there, instead suggested that as he has Aaron's mobile number, he could call that directly instead of expecting Aaron to phone him from my phone.
- Nick mentioned, as I was leaving to do the school run, that Bob, my brother and sister's Dad, had called him on the weekend and that he had seemed to know an awful lot about the divorce. Nick didn't elaborate on what Bob said to him but Nick has stopped being quite so agressive towards me. Co-incidence? Perhaps not....!!
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Aaaaargh
What a shit!!
He finally strolled in at just after 8pm. He'd taken her to the Eltham Christmas Lights thingy but did not think we were important enough to tell.
Fucking Arsehole!
He finally strolled in at just after 8pm. He'd taken her to the Eltham Christmas Lights thingy but did not think we were important enough to tell.
Fucking Arsehole!
Three hours to do ASDA... Really?
Bit worried. Nick left the house today at about 3pm to get Gemima from school. He told Jade that he'd nip off and get some shopping after picking Gemima up and that he'd take her with him.
It's 7pm. They're still not back. He won't answer his phone. I've sent texts and left voicemail asking him to let me know where they are. Not heard yet.....
Bastard is just doing this to worry me.
It's 7pm. They're still not back. He won't answer his phone. I've sent texts and left voicemail asking him to let me know where they are. Not heard yet.....
Bastard is just doing this to worry me.
Ticking Away Like A Criminally Insane Timebomb....
My brain hurts. I think I may even be a little overtired. I'm definitely a lot stressed. If I'm not careful I'm going to end up with one of those nervous ticks that are usually associated with the slightly criminally insane!!
The tension in this house is unbearable. Its almost as though while we lived with it day in and day out for years, we were used to it, it seemed normal and we could cope. Having the house as a Nick-Free-Zone for nine whole days allowed us all to relax and to live how people normally live.
Having to cope with having him back seems cruel. I feel like I am being punished for something. His sarcastic comments and arrogance and belligerance and the constant whine of the "poor me" engine inside him that goes on and on emitting crap from his brain floods my ears until I want to scream at him or seriously hurt him. I can't stand to be in the same room as him or even to hear his voice droning on and on about the same old shit all the fucking time!
Why can't he just fuck off back to Cornwall and put us all out of our misery!!!
Its not like we'd miss him. Gemima didn't even ask for him from the early hours of Sunday morning when he went into hospital until the Tuesday evening when I said I'd take her to the hospital to see him.
Both Aaron and Jade commented on how nice the house was and how calm and peaceful and relaxed it felt when he was not there and how tense and stressful it feels now that he is back - and they said it independently and without any prompting.
What does THAT say about him.
God - I feel almost psychotic just thinking about it.
Glad I started this blog really - can't imagine how close I'd be to physically throwing him out of the door/window/car if I didn''t have somewhere to pour out my frustrations.
Yes Keith - I know I can tell you anything and I frequently do - but I can't yell at you in the way I want to yell now so its best I shout at the monitor through the keyboard!!
*deep breath*
That feels better.
The tension in this house is unbearable. Its almost as though while we lived with it day in and day out for years, we were used to it, it seemed normal and we could cope. Having the house as a Nick-Free-Zone for nine whole days allowed us all to relax and to live how people normally live.
Having to cope with having him back seems cruel. I feel like I am being punished for something. His sarcastic comments and arrogance and belligerance and the constant whine of the "poor me" engine inside him that goes on and on emitting crap from his brain floods my ears until I want to scream at him or seriously hurt him. I can't stand to be in the same room as him or even to hear his voice droning on and on about the same old shit all the fucking time!
Why can't he just fuck off back to Cornwall and put us all out of our misery!!!
Its not like we'd miss him. Gemima didn't even ask for him from the early hours of Sunday morning when he went into hospital until the Tuesday evening when I said I'd take her to the hospital to see him.
Both Aaron and Jade commented on how nice the house was and how calm and peaceful and relaxed it felt when he was not there and how tense and stressful it feels now that he is back - and they said it independently and without any prompting.
What does THAT say about him.
God - I feel almost psychotic just thinking about it.
Glad I started this blog really - can't imagine how close I'd be to physically throwing him out of the door/window/car if I didn''t have somewhere to pour out my frustrations.
Yes Keith - I know I can tell you anything and I frequently do - but I can't yell at you in the way I want to yell now so its best I shout at the monitor through the keyboard!!
That feels better.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
Sigh... Another Trudge Through The Dull Saga Of Divorce... Blah blah blah...
Oh God! What a day! The atmosphere in the house is so tense you can almost see it! Can't wait til Nick sods off somewhere else and we can all resume life as it should be.
Everyone is on edge. Nick is taking offence at the tiniest little things and doing nothing but moaning about it.
For example - Jade phoned me this evening about taking Gemima to Brownies tonight. Now bear in mind that I ALWAYS take her to brownies - in the whole time she has been doing the Rainbows/Brownies thing it has been me with the exception of one occasion when I couldn't. Jade committed the cardinal sin of assuming that, as usual, it would be me taking Gemima - and she made this assumption without consulting Nick first to see if he was taking Gemima.
Oh dear God - what a palava. You'd think there was some big conspiracy to exclude him from the thrilling task of driving up the sodding road to Brownies with a 7-year-old in tow.
The first thing he said to me when I walked through the front door after work....
On a more positive note, I saw my solicitor today. Gave him the money for the court fees so the petition will be filed in the morning. Also gave him a copy of the transcript of mine and Nick's MSN conversation in which he asked if he could "have a shag when I'm gagging for it" and when I objected, informed me that "any hole will do". That went down a storm, I can tell you!!
Also spoke to my solicitor about my friendship with Keith (who I have known since I was about 15) and Nick's accusations that I have been having an affair with Keith since probably about August... along with the fact that in the past Nick has accused me of having an affair with Ed, who I have known since I was 13 and who, at the time I was being accused, I hadn't seen for six months... and Nick's questioning of my 'relationship' with my friend Wendy!
For someone who said they didn't want a sexual relationship with me because I am physically unattractive, he sure is paranoid that I'm getting it somewhere!
Anyhow - I have been advised that if I don't want to stay in the house with him at the weekends, then there is no reason that I should have to - and that if I want to stay at Keith's then I can, because there is no reason I cannot continue to visit my friends just because I am getting divorced.
So Ner!!! A big two fingered salute and a raspberry to Nick The Prick (Thank you to my friend Karen for that fabulous moniker).
Everyone is on edge. Nick is taking offence at the tiniest little things and doing nothing but moaning about it.
For example - Jade phoned me this evening about taking Gemima to Brownies tonight. Now bear in mind that I ALWAYS take her to brownies - in the whole time she has been doing the Rainbows/Brownies thing it has been me with the exception of one occasion when I couldn't. Jade committed the cardinal sin of assuming that, as usual, it would be me taking Gemima - and she made this assumption without consulting Nick first to see if he was taking Gemima.
Oh dear God - what a palava. You'd think there was some big conspiracy to exclude him from the thrilling task of driving up the sodding road to Brownies with a 7-year-old in tow.
The first thing he said to me when I walked through the front door after work....
"I'M taking Gemima to Brownies OK. Jade just assumes things and leaves me out and no-one consults me on anything. I'D already arranged to take her so I'M doing it"Fucking childish twat!!
On a more positive note, I saw my solicitor today. Gave him the money for the court fees so the petition will be filed in the morning. Also gave him a copy of the transcript of mine and Nick's MSN conversation in which he asked if he could "have a shag when I'm gagging for it" and when I objected, informed me that "any hole will do". That went down a storm, I can tell you!!
Also spoke to my solicitor about my friendship with Keith (who I have known since I was about 15) and Nick's accusations that I have been having an affair with Keith since probably about August... along with the fact that in the past Nick has accused me of having an affair with Ed, who I have known since I was 13 and who, at the time I was being accused, I hadn't seen for six months... and Nick's questioning of my 'relationship' with my friend Wendy!
For someone who said they didn't want a sexual relationship with me because I am physically unattractive, he sure is paranoid that I'm getting it somewhere!
Anyhow - I have been advised that if I don't want to stay in the house with him at the weekends, then there is no reason that I should have to - and that if I want to stay at Keith's then I can, because there is no reason I cannot continue to visit my friends just because I am getting divorced.
So Ner!!! A big two fingered salute and a raspberry to Nick The Prick (Thank you to my friend Karen for that fabulous moniker).
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
The Return Of The Thing
The respite period is over.
*Deep Sigh*
He is back in the house and so is the horrible tension.
Ever since I got his text this afternoon saying he was being discharged I have been getting steadily more tense and now my head feels like it is about to explode!
I haven't had a headache of this magnitude since the Friday before he went into hospital - which coincidentally is the last time I saw him at home!
Cannot wait til this divorce is over.
Seeing my solicitor tomorrow morning.
To top it all - I did not even get a thank you for collecting him....
AND I missed my client's Mum's funeral today for this.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
*Deep Sigh*
He is back in the house and so is the horrible tension.
Ever since I got his text this afternoon saying he was being discharged I have been getting steadily more tense and now my head feels like it is about to explode!
I haven't had a headache of this magnitude since the Friday before he went into hospital - which coincidentally is the last time I saw him at home!
Cannot wait til this divorce is over.
Seeing my solicitor tomorrow morning.
To top it all - I did not even get a thank you for collecting him....
AND I missed my client's Mum's funeral today for this.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Monday, 19 November 2007
The Upside Of My Weekend
Being a true Gemini, I am of course easily able to live two lives at once. So on the positive side of my weekend, I had a great time at Keith's!
Sophie was allowed to come home for the day on Saturday and Sunday which was nice. It was the first time I have seen her outside the hospital setting and although she is still tired and unwell, it was good to see her up and about.
Sam was lovely - as he usually is. A bit subdued this weekend but there was a lot of activity and lots of people in the house so I suppose it was to be expected that he would sod off to his room for hours on end and only emerge for food!!
I got to meet Keith's Mum. What the hell was I nervous about?! She is lovely - reminds me a lot of my Nan so it was easy to get along with her.
And to cap it all we had a night at the dodgy Pink Toothbrush! Me, Keith and Hazel (who I also met for the first time) Wahay! The music was DIRE and the clientele the MOST BADLY DRESSED I have ever seen in any nightclub anywhere EVER! It was fucking hilarious and Keith and I spent the evening spotting and photographing a selection of (in Keith's words) the top contenders for the Pink Toothbrush What Not To Wear competition! See Keith's blog for the photos - they are priceless.
Here are a few of us.....
Me and Keith!! Why do I always look so pink in photos??
Christ - this music sucks! Wake me up when something decent comes on!
Keith - wake up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!
Hazel - also wishing they'd play something decent or just shoot the DJ!
Sophie was allowed to come home for the day on Saturday and Sunday which was nice. It was the first time I have seen her outside the hospital setting and although she is still tired and unwell, it was good to see her up and about.
Sam was lovely - as he usually is. A bit subdued this weekend but there was a lot of activity and lots of people in the house so I suppose it was to be expected that he would sod off to his room for hours on end and only emerge for food!!
I got to meet Keith's Mum. What the hell was I nervous about?! She is lovely - reminds me a lot of my Nan so it was easy to get along with her.
And to cap it all we had a night at the dodgy Pink Toothbrush! Me, Keith and Hazel (who I also met for the first time) Wahay! The music was DIRE and the clientele the MOST BADLY DRESSED I have ever seen in any nightclub anywhere EVER! It was fucking hilarious and Keith and I spent the evening spotting and photographing a selection of (in Keith's words) the top contenders for the Pink Toothbrush What Not To Wear competition! See Keith's blog for the photos - they are priceless.
Here are a few of us.....
Me and Keith!! Why do I always look so pink in photos??
Christ - this music sucks! Wake me up when something decent comes on!
Keith - wake up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!
Hazel - also wishing they'd play something decent or just shoot the DJ!
Roll-up... Roll-up... The World Famous Emotional Rollercoaster Ride Starts Here...
Oh my fucking God! What a weekend it has been. Emotionally I have been up and down like a sodding yo-yo on a runaway rollercoaster.
In a somewhat large nutshell... here's why:
On Friday I was getting ready to go see Keith and his kids for the weekend. His Mum is staying with him and I'd not met her before so I was a little nervous. Meeting two key people in his family in a week. That's stressy enough without all the rest of the shit I am dealing with!!!
Dropped kids off at their respective places and took stuff to the hospital for Nick at the last minute when he called to ask for things. Got to the hospital and Nick was fully dressed in his chair. Momentary panic that he had been discharged and was expecting me to drive him home.
And then Nick calmly asked me to sit down before dropping a bit of a bombshell.
Nick has MS. (Multiple Sclerosis).
Just for info, there are four main types of MS:
In fact, looking back, I can't remember the last time when he would have had a remission - I think over a year ago at least and he has been getting steadily more unwell since. The condition is no longer just affecting his limbs. the MRI scan showed that he has multiple lesions (scars) on his brain and spinal cord and that at the moment it is attacking his internal organs - his digestive system is the latest in line. He's currently on a steroid IV to reduce the inflammation in his brain and spinal cord.
That was a shock.
It was a huge shock actually which resulted in a whirlwind of emotion and guilt and confusion and a number of other emotions I can't even begin to label. And from there started the battle in my head - do I continue with the divorce or do I stop it now?
So after a weekend of tears and talks and hugs from Keith and his kids and pep talks and hugs from my Mum and other friends and my manager and my colleagues, then feeling OK and then feeling shit again, I have come to the conclusion that it would be wrong and hypocritical for me to change my mind about the divorce now. The MS is just ONE OF the contributory factors in what has gone wrong in the marriage - it doesn't change the fact that these things have happened and has no impact on my reasons for wanting the divorce. So I am proceeding.
Now I fully expect to be the bearer of a humungous pile of shite from his family because I suppose I will now be the bitch wife who buggered off when he needed me most. But at the end of the day, as my Mum has so wisely said (thanks Mum) what does their opinion matter to me anyway? They aren't important in my life.
Tomorrow may prove to be interesting. The neurologist will be meeting with Nick and I will be there and that is when we should get some sort of proper prognosis.
But whatever happens, Nick will now be registered disabled and he will have to move as this is a three-storey house and he needs a ground-floor, wheelchair accessible flat.
Emotionally, after this weekend, I am feeling a little flat. Too tired to think about it.
In a somewhat large nutshell... here's why:
On Friday I was getting ready to go see Keith and his kids for the weekend. His Mum is staying with him and I'd not met her before so I was a little nervous. Meeting two key people in his family in a week. That's stressy enough without all the rest of the shit I am dealing with!!!
Dropped kids off at their respective places and took stuff to the hospital for Nick at the last minute when he called to ask for things. Got to the hospital and Nick was fully dressed in his chair. Momentary panic that he had been discharged and was expecting me to drive him home.
And then Nick calmly asked me to sit down before dropping a bit of a bombshell.
Nick has MS. (Multiple Sclerosis).
Just for info, there are four main types of MS:
- Benign MS that starts with a small number of mild attacks followed by complete recovery.
- Primary progressive MS, affects around 12% of people with MS. From the start, the pattern isn't of relapses and remissions but symptoms gradually develop and worsen over time.
- Relapsing-remitting type is the most common type. About 80% of people with MS have this type at onset. This means the person has relapses (a flare up of symptoms), followed by remissions (periods of recovery). These tend to be unpredictable and their cause is unclear. They can last for days, weeks or months and vary from mild to severe.
- Many people who start out with relapsing-remitting MS later develop a form known as secondary progressive MS. About 50% of people go on to develop secondary progressive MS during the first 10 years. This means that the disability does not go away after a relapse and progressively worsens between attacks, or that the cycle of attack followed by remission is replaced by a steady progression of disability.
In fact, looking back, I can't remember the last time when he would have had a remission - I think over a year ago at least and he has been getting steadily more unwell since. The condition is no longer just affecting his limbs. the MRI scan showed that he has multiple lesions (scars) on his brain and spinal cord and that at the moment it is attacking his internal organs - his digestive system is the latest in line. He's currently on a steroid IV to reduce the inflammation in his brain and spinal cord.
That was a shock.
It was a huge shock actually which resulted in a whirlwind of emotion and guilt and confusion and a number of other emotions I can't even begin to label. And from there started the battle in my head - do I continue with the divorce or do I stop it now?
So after a weekend of tears and talks and hugs from Keith and his kids and pep talks and hugs from my Mum and other friends and my manager and my colleagues, then feeling OK and then feeling shit again, I have come to the conclusion that it would be wrong and hypocritical for me to change my mind about the divorce now. The MS is just ONE OF the contributory factors in what has gone wrong in the marriage - it doesn't change the fact that these things have happened and has no impact on my reasons for wanting the divorce. So I am proceeding.
Now I fully expect to be the bearer of a humungous pile of shite from his family because I suppose I will now be the bitch wife who buggered off when he needed me most. But at the end of the day, as my Mum has so wisely said (thanks Mum) what does their opinion matter to me anyway? They aren't important in my life.
Tomorrow may prove to be interesting. The neurologist will be meeting with Nick and I will be there and that is when we should get some sort of proper prognosis.
But whatever happens, Nick will now be registered disabled and he will have to move as this is a three-storey house and he needs a ground-floor, wheelchair accessible flat.
Emotionally, after this weekend, I am feeling a little flat. Too tired to think about it.
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Nick Still In Hospital
Fuck Yeah!!! The house is a Nick-Free-Zone for another night!
He had his MRI scan today but there was no-one about to interpret the results so he has to stay in again.
We've been told (again) that he is likely to come home tomorrow.
At least he will have a peaceful weekend!!!!
He had his MRI scan today but there was no-one about to interpret the results so he has to stay in again.
We've been told (again) that he is likely to come home tomorrow.
At least he will have a peaceful weekend!!!!
Hugs for Keith & Sophie
Poor old Sophie. She was supposed to have her op today but like so many in the NHS queues she ended up getting bumped after a day spent nil-by-mouth and with no pain relief.
Poor old Keith too - not only worried about Sophie but getting all her frustrations in his ear.
Big hugs for both of you!
Poor old Keith too - not only worried about Sophie but getting all her frustrations in his ear.
Big hugs for both of you!
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Sophie Update and Weekend Away
Sophie...
Sophie has her op tomorrow. Will be thinking of her - but I know she'll be fine. Will be thinking of Keith more though because he may not be.
Chin up Keith - phone when its done.
Weekend...
Gemima is spending the weekend at my friend Isobel's.
Aaron is spending the weekend at my brother's
Jade is spending the weekend doing what teenagers do best.
I am spending the weekend at Keith's.
Roll On Friday!!!
Sophie has her op tomorrow. Will be thinking of her - but I know she'll be fine. Will be thinking of Keith more though because he may not be.
Chin up Keith - phone when its done.
Weekend...
Gemima is spending the weekend at my friend Isobel's.
Aaron is spending the weekend at my brother's
Jade is spending the weekend doing what teenagers do best.
I am spending the weekend at Keith's.
Roll On Friday!!!
And The Saga Continues...
Nick is still in hospital. I got a text this morning from him saying the following:
Ah - OK - so it may be Motor Neuron Disease then. Of course there will have to be a whole battery of testing before that diagnosis, although granted there are other symptoms present.
Still doesn't account for the bladder ceasing to function every time he drinks beer specifically though.
Still doesn't change the fact that he knew about that effect.
Still doesn't change how I feel about the divorce.
He didn't have the MRI scan done today. Possibly tomorrow. Sadly it is looking as though he will be home tomorrow whether the scan goes ahead or not. Shame - it has been so relaxed here without him causing tension in the house.
"May not be out today. Bladder is operating normally now. Had some reflexology tests - indicate upper motor neuron issues. Will most probably have MRI scan. Problem now seems neurological. Doctor said I amy not be out today but he will have a word with you."
Ah - OK - so it may be Motor Neuron Disease then. Of course there will have to be a whole battery of testing before that diagnosis, although granted there are other symptoms present.
Still doesn't account for the bladder ceasing to function every time he drinks beer specifically though.
Still doesn't change the fact that he knew about that effect.
Still doesn't change how I feel about the divorce.
He didn't have the MRI scan done today. Possibly tomorrow. Sadly it is looking as though he will be home tomorrow whether the scan goes ahead or not. Shame - it has been so relaxed here without him causing tension in the house.
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
The Calm Before The Storm
Today has been relatively calm all round. Waded my way through a mountain of paperwork in the office. Actually had a lunch break (jacket potatoes in the pub next door!) and got to leave work at 4pm.
Home is a Nick-Free Zone for another night!
There was a brief moment this afternoon when he texted to say he was being discharged and could I come get him from hospital at about 3pm-ish.
Yeah - right! I'll take time off to come get you then after yesterday's shite shall I?!
But by 4.30pm I'd received another text from him to say they are keeping him in for another night!! Hurrah!
It's calm and quiet at home. Everything is running smoothly. Everyone is happy. There have been NO arguments and all the washing up and laundry is done! Everyone seems really chilled and relaxed and able to stick to their respective routines. The only thing that has changed in our lives is the absence of Nick.
It would seem he really is the antagonist in this particular life drama. All the world being a stage etc., etc...
Home is a Nick-Free Zone for another night!
There was a brief moment this afternoon when he texted to say he was being discharged and could I come get him from hospital at about 3pm-ish.
Yeah - right! I'll take time off to come get you then after yesterday's shite shall I?!
But by 4.30pm I'd received another text from him to say they are keeping him in for another night!! Hurrah!
It's calm and quiet at home. Everything is running smoothly. Everyone is happy. There have been NO arguments and all the washing up and laundry is done! Everyone seems really chilled and relaxed and able to stick to their respective routines. The only thing that has changed in our lives is the absence of Nick.
It would seem he really is the antagonist in this particular life drama. All the world being a stage etc., etc...
Monday, 12 November 2007
And The Joy Just Keeps On Coming...
Well, today has been a spectacular pile of shite so far.
Nick's brother, Alex came to visit. That wasn't the bad part - Alex is actually a pretty level headed bloke for the most part and doesn't want to take sides.
No. The shite part was Nick himself who called and asked me to bring some things to the hospital for him this evening, which I did.
In fact, I spoke to Alex, picked Alex up from the station and drove him to the hospital to visit his brother. I even drove him back to my house after, gave him food and tea and then took him to the station to get his train home. What a fucking bitch I am, eh?
Nick, in his gratitude for me bringing his stuff and his brother to him thought it would be a good plan to start making nasty comments and digs about my "male friend" that I "stay with regularly" in front of his brother.
Now, I had been very open and up front with Alex about where I was on the weekend, who I was with and why. Nick of course, didn't know this and made all his comments with the express purpose of making it look like I am having some full on hot and heavy affair.
Yes of course...! With three kids in the hospital room where we spent half of Saturday and most of Sunday...! How could I possibly not be having an affair?!
And lo and behold, after I refused to argue with him and left the ward to sarky comments ringing behind me, Nick followed up with a phone call half an hour after his brother had gone home accusing me some more and saying he doesn't trust me and that as our house has been valued at £210,000 I couldn't possibly buy him out on my pitiful salary.
Oh there were more digs and jibes and insults too numerous to recount but suffice to say, on planet Nick, I am an untrustworthy, lying, cheating, gold-digging slag and I am out for all I can get even if that plan takes a decade to come to fruition.
Of course he is forgetting that when he met me I wasn't a large 36 year old, I was a slim, curvy 26 year old and if I had wanted to go after someone with money then I would NOT have chosen to be with a short-arsed scrawny motherfucker who had only slept with ONE girl by the age of 25 and who was working in a junior position in a shitty local company earning £11k a year!
Oh yeah - and I certainly wouldn't have let the bastard move in rent-free five months later and help him to get a better job for an overnight £4k pay rise.
What a scheming gold-digging bitch I am! I must have known he'd be raking in the £32k he is on now a decade later.
Wanker!
Large boot to bollocks is called for methinks.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
Nick's brother, Alex came to visit. That wasn't the bad part - Alex is actually a pretty level headed bloke for the most part and doesn't want to take sides.
No. The shite part was Nick himself who called and asked me to bring some things to the hospital for him this evening, which I did.
In fact, I spoke to Alex, picked Alex up from the station and drove him to the hospital to visit his brother. I even drove him back to my house after, gave him food and tea and then took him to the station to get his train home. What a fucking bitch I am, eh?
Nick, in his gratitude for me bringing his stuff and his brother to him thought it would be a good plan to start making nasty comments and digs about my "male friend" that I "stay with regularly" in front of his brother.
Now, I had been very open and up front with Alex about where I was on the weekend, who I was with and why. Nick of course, didn't know this and made all his comments with the express purpose of making it look like I am having some full on hot and heavy affair.
Yes of course...! With three kids in the hospital room where we spent half of Saturday and most of Sunday...! How could I possibly not be having an affair?!
And lo and behold, after I refused to argue with him and left the ward to sarky comments ringing behind me, Nick followed up with a phone call half an hour after his brother had gone home accusing me some more and saying he doesn't trust me and that as our house has been valued at £210,000 I couldn't possibly buy him out on my pitiful salary.
Oh there were more digs and jibes and insults too numerous to recount but suffice to say, on planet Nick, I am an untrustworthy, lying, cheating, gold-digging slag and I am out for all I can get even if that plan takes a decade to come to fruition.
Of course he is forgetting that when he met me I wasn't a large 36 year old, I was a slim, curvy 26 year old and if I had wanted to go after someone with money then I would NOT have chosen to be with a short-arsed scrawny motherfucker who had only slept with ONE girl by the age of 25 and who was working in a junior position in a shitty local company earning £11k a year!
Oh yeah - and I certainly wouldn't have let the bastard move in rent-free five months later and help him to get a better job for an overnight £4k pay rise.
What a scheming gold-digging bitch I am! I must have known he'd be raking in the £32k he is on now a decade later.
Wanker!
Large boot to bollocks is called for methinks.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Weird Weekend
Well this weekend has turned out to be both good, bad and downright frustrating!
The Good Stuff...
Went to Keith's on Saturday! That's always good. Took Aaron with me - he didn't want to stay here with Nick. We spent most of the time at the hospital visiting Sophie, which was probably a little weird all round seeing as it was the first time we've met and she was in bed in her PJs and in what looked to be quite considerable discomfort. But it was good to finally meet her.
Sam was quite talkative this weekend - which was nice. It was really good to spend time with Keith and his kids - they are great kids. Sam and Aaron seem to get on pretty well too, which is a bonus and makes life easier all round.
Stayed over on Keith's sofa bed - Sam and Aaron made dinner! Yay! Sam's homemade burgers - really nice! Pleasant surprise! Watched Pick Of Destiny on DVD - Tenacious D Rocks!
All in all, that part of the weekend was pretty good!
The Frustrating Stuff...
OK - this is not in the order listed above but what the hell!
Nick, the idiot I married and am divorcing, decided to put himself in hospital! What a tosser! Now that might sound unsympathetic, but believe me the arsehole deserves a kick up the backside and not sympathy!
Not content with just being pissed off about Aaron and I going to Keith's this weekend to see Sophie in hospital (despite telling me he doesn't care what I do and that I have never had my freedom restricted! Eh?!), Nick thought it would be a really good idea to take Gemima, my 6 year old, out to some function that next door were having. He went out with her at 2:30pm and returned to the house at 11:30pm. Gemima, quite naturally was very tired, it being four hours past her normal bedtime and so far removed from her normal routine. To top that, Nick had decided it would be a good idea to drink beer - which he is not able to drink due to his medication and the fact that when he drinks it, his bladder stops working and he can't pee. He knows this. It has happened before. But no - he is an arse and thought it would be a great idea to get pissed on beer when he was supposed to be responsible for Gemima.
To cap it all, after having brought her home, moaned at her for being overtired and stroppy, then shouted at Jade (my 18-year-old) for trying to settle her down, he buggered off back to the party for another hour and a half coming back at 1:30am, drunk and unable to pee and in considerable pain. Jade had to tell him how to call an amulance because he had gotten himself in such a state that he couldn't remember the number!!!!!!! After telling Jade to fuck off and accusing her of not caring, he then called the ambulance and buggered off to hospital forgetting to tell Jade he was going and making the assumption that she would look after Gemima.
I got a phone call from Jade at 2am very upset and worried about being on her own in the house with Gemima. I had to phone my mum, tell her what was going on and then arrange for a friend to pick Jade and Gemima up and take them to my Mum's.
Nick is currently sitting in hospital still with an apparently permanently damaged bladder from having retained a full litre of fluid MORE than the bladder is supposed to contain. Which is pretty much the amount of beer that he drank. He claims it is down to his IBS (which he has never been diagnosed with).
Probably just as well he is still there. Everyone is majorly pissed off with him for being such an irresponsible bastard
... and The Bad Stuff
Apparently Nick has seen fit to be talking about me in front of Jade and Gemima and saying what golddigger I am! What a shite. The fact that I pay for half of everything is irrelevant then - I am just after his money and his house which happens to be both of ours and for which I pay half the mortgage.
Majorly fucked off now! So much for keeping things amicable. The gloves are well and truly off.
The Good Stuff...
Went to Keith's on Saturday! That's always good. Took Aaron with me - he didn't want to stay here with Nick. We spent most of the time at the hospital visiting Sophie, which was probably a little weird all round seeing as it was the first time we've met and she was in bed in her PJs and in what looked to be quite considerable discomfort. But it was good to finally meet her.
Sam was quite talkative this weekend - which was nice. It was really good to spend time with Keith and his kids - they are great kids. Sam and Aaron seem to get on pretty well too, which is a bonus and makes life easier all round.
Stayed over on Keith's sofa bed - Sam and Aaron made dinner! Yay! Sam's homemade burgers - really nice! Pleasant surprise! Watched Pick Of Destiny on DVD - Tenacious D Rocks!
All in all, that part of the weekend was pretty good!
The Frustrating Stuff...
OK - this is not in the order listed above but what the hell!
Nick, the idiot I married and am divorcing, decided to put himself in hospital! What a tosser! Now that might sound unsympathetic, but believe me the arsehole deserves a kick up the backside and not sympathy!
Not content with just being pissed off about Aaron and I going to Keith's this weekend to see Sophie in hospital (despite telling me he doesn't care what I do and that I have never had my freedom restricted! Eh?!), Nick thought it would be a really good idea to take Gemima, my 6 year old, out to some function that next door were having. He went out with her at 2:30pm and returned to the house at 11:30pm. Gemima, quite naturally was very tired, it being four hours past her normal bedtime and so far removed from her normal routine. To top that, Nick had decided it would be a good idea to drink beer - which he is not able to drink due to his medication and the fact that when he drinks it, his bladder stops working and he can't pee. He knows this. It has happened before. But no - he is an arse and thought it would be a great idea to get pissed on beer when he was supposed to be responsible for Gemima.
To cap it all, after having brought her home, moaned at her for being overtired and stroppy, then shouted at Jade (my 18-year-old) for trying to settle her down, he buggered off back to the party for another hour and a half coming back at 1:30am, drunk and unable to pee and in considerable pain. Jade had to tell him how to call an amulance because he had gotten himself in such a state that he couldn't remember the number!!!!!!! After telling Jade to fuck off and accusing her of not caring, he then called the ambulance and buggered off to hospital forgetting to tell Jade he was going and making the assumption that she would look after Gemima.
I got a phone call from Jade at 2am very upset and worried about being on her own in the house with Gemima. I had to phone my mum, tell her what was going on and then arrange for a friend to pick Jade and Gemima up and take them to my Mum's.
Nick is currently sitting in hospital still with an apparently permanently damaged bladder from having retained a full litre of fluid MORE than the bladder is supposed to contain. Which is pretty much the amount of beer that he drank. He claims it is down to his IBS (which he has never been diagnosed with).
Probably just as well he is still there. Everyone is majorly pissed off with him for being such an irresponsible bastard
... and The Bad Stuff
Apparently Nick has seen fit to be talking about me in front of Jade and Gemima and saying what golddigger I am! What a shite. The fact that I pay for half of everything is irrelevant then - I am just after his money and his house which happens to be both of ours and for which I pay half the mortgage.
Majorly fucked off now! So much for keeping things amicable. The gloves are well and truly off.
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Friday, 9 November 2007
Getting Away From It All
Weekend is here! Thank God! No more work stress for a couple of days. Got the date for the funeral and have sorted out carers etc.. for my client. Now just have to find him somewhere to live.
Well - not spending the weekend quite how I'd envisioned a few days ago but I'm still getting away from it all and going to spend time with Keith and Sam. I'll get to meet Sophie this weekend too... bit nervous but looking forward to it at the same time.
On the divorce front - house is getting valued this weekend... one down, two to go....!
Well - not spending the weekend quite how I'd envisioned a few days ago but I'm still getting away from it all and going to spend time with Keith and Sam. I'll get to meet Sophie this weekend too... bit nervous but looking forward to it at the same time.
On the divorce front - house is getting valued this weekend... one down, two to go....!
Thursday, 8 November 2007
Oh Crappy Days!
What a day! Work has been manic... but its been manic for weeks since we lost 2 social workers and the caseload is still increasing.
Particularly difficult day today. Spent most of the morning dealing with financial and emotional fallout for a client of mine whose mother died on Monday. This case has been the main focus of my week so far and not an easy task given that his understanding of the situation is so limited.
Emotionally draining for me too. I have worked closely with this family for a little over three years now and saw her regularly. She is the third person I have worked with to have died in the time I have worked in social work and it doesn't get any easier. Lots of tears Tuesday morning when I found out.
Home, fortunately, has been OK today. No arguments. Not one. Makes a pleasant change. Actually managed to agree on something, which has been a rarity since I said I want a divorce a few weeks back.
Sitting in the loft freezing my arse off. Fingers are numb - matches my brain today.
Particularly difficult day today. Spent most of the morning dealing with financial and emotional fallout for a client of mine whose mother died on Monday. This case has been the main focus of my week so far and not an easy task given that his understanding of the situation is so limited.
Emotionally draining for me too. I have worked closely with this family for a little over three years now and saw her regularly. She is the third person I have worked with to have died in the time I have worked in social work and it doesn't get any easier. Lots of tears Tuesday morning when I found out.
Home, fortunately, has been OK today. No arguments. Not one. Makes a pleasant change. Actually managed to agree on something, which has been a rarity since I said I want a divorce a few weeks back.
Sitting in the loft freezing my arse off. Fingers are numb - matches my brain today.
Getting started
So... I started setting this thing up a couple of years ago when I first thought about blogging.... but I never quite got round to doing it and then got too wrapped up in everyday stuff and forgot about it.
I'm not entirely sure I know what to do with it now. Could be that there will be all sorts of crap appearing and disappearing from this page over time.... or maybe nothing at all will happen. Who knows!
Likely that there will be more bollocks to come at some point....
Big things happening in my life at the moment:
D I V O R C E
Yeeha!
I'm sure I will have a lot to rant about over the coming months. At least plonking it on here will hopefully stop most of it falling on the ears of my very good friend Keith, who seems to get about 90% of my crap of late.
Sorry Keith. What would I do without you?
I'm not entirely sure I know what to do with it now. Could be that there will be all sorts of crap appearing and disappearing from this page over time.... or maybe nothing at all will happen. Who knows!
Likely that there will be more bollocks to come at some point....
Big things happening in my life at the moment:
D I V O R C E
Yeeha!
I'm sure I will have a lot to rant about over the coming months. At least plonking it on here will hopefully stop most of it falling on the ears of my very good friend Keith, who seems to get about 90% of my crap of late.
Sorry Keith. What would I do without you?
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