Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Its Off To The Ward We Go....

Spent a quiet few days visiting Sophie at the hospital.

Poor Keith. Going back and forth to the hospital really takes it out of him. Especially given that its a 36 mile round-trip! I'm glad I was able to stay for a few days to drive him there and back and hopefully be of some level of support.

Sitting on a hospital ward day in day out is really tiring. Keith said he feels like he hasn't really had a break at all.

I know just what he means!

Sitting on the ward. Either makes you really tired.....


.......or completely mental!!


Excuse dodgy blurred pic - far too busy laughing to take proper pic!


Needless to say, we didn't make it to Sarah's party on Saturday either.

We did make it to Ice Hockey on Sunday though. Chelmsford -v- Peterborough again. Reasonably good game but we lost 6-4.


Sam showed his support through creative wearing of the Seive Hat!


Never mind - Chelmsford will win something at some point I am sure!

House of The Flying Lurgies

Headed off to Keith's today all set to collect him and go off to Karen's pre-New-Year party.

Keith's Mum and Nan are all afflicted with his lurgies - which I seem to have avoided in any great dosage so far!

Got a text before I left saying that Sophie had woken up in pain again and they were headed off to hospital. Met Keith and Sophie at the Clinical Diagnostic Unit in Broomfields Hospital. The place is becoming like a third home to me (Keith's house already being like a second home lately). Even the canteen staff are getting to recognise my face!

Settled Sophie onto the ward and got back to Keith's by 9.30pm. Surprisingly enough, didn't make Karen's party!

Sorry Karen.

Spring Cleaning.... Already?!

Oh well, the bastard finally wore me down. I've not really lived at home much for many weeks - other than coming here to sleep and piss about on the computer. In that time, Nick has managed to create a humungous tip in the living room and use every plate / cup/ bit of cutlery in the house and left it on the side in the kitchen.

I had refused to tidy up or wash up or clean house generally until he did it but today it was just too overwhelming!

Nick has gone to work and I am here with the kids. When I walked into the kitchen at 8am to make a cup of tea, the smell hit me like a physical wall of something yukky!

I couldn't keep up my resolve.

I am sad to say that my kitchen is now spotless and shiny and smells a bit lemony - as opposed to the grime and rotting fish combo that was going on earlier.

Also got as far as clearing out all the cupboards! Its amazing the amount of crap that accumulates in them! I found old packets of cup-a-soup right at the back which expired in 2005!

Yuk!

LMFAO

OMFG! He Went And Did It.....

.... after all the solicitors letters etc... the fucking arsehole went and told Gemima about the divorce. On Boxing Day while he had taken her over to his Aunt's house!

Without me there.

What a SHIT!

It Was A Merry Christmas After All!

Christmas dinner at my sisters went well enough - despite me turning up almost an hour late! Nothing was ready anyhow - no great surprise there - my Nan was cooking and although she is a brilliant cook - her timing is crap...

...mostly because she opened a bottle of bubbly while she was cooking I have to say!! LMAO

Anyhow - after all the comments about how I should stay here Boxing Day and spend time with family, guess what.... Aaron went home with my Brother to play computer games til stupid o'clock, Gemima stayed at my Sister's because my niece wanted her to sleep over and Jade had to stay and help babysit - which she had agreed to do weeks ago because my sister worked the night shift.

Being as Nick had buggered off to his aunts for the night, this meant that I would be going home alone!

Not bloody likely! Jumped in the car (NO - I had not been drinking during the day) and buggered off to Chelmsford to spend the night at Keith's.

Was a really nice end to a semi-crap day. Dossed on the sofa with a Rum & Coke and watched TV with Keith, his Mum and his Nan while the kids cheated against each other at Downfall.

Thank you Keith. My Christmas has been better than I thought it would be because of you. You're a star!

We Wish You A Hairy Crisp Arse And A Crappy Blue Ear!

Ug!

Got to sleep at about 4am after wrapping all prezzies and being Santa.

Was woken by monsters at just before 9am! Deep Joy!

Nick announced that he is off to his auntie's in Reading at about midday and will be staying there overnight (this is new!).

If he feels up to it tomorrow morning, he will drive back over and pick up the kids and take them there for the day.

Maybe.

Perhaps.

Who the fuck knows!

Nothng like being organised eh!

Sigh... Another Day Closer

Oh it'll all be over soon, I know!

Up early again this morning. Drove Keith to work as trains were messed up at his end. Managed to find my way back to the M25 and came home to do final last minute bits that I forgot about over the weekend.

Has been a weird day. Just about ready for tomorrow. Will be going to my Sister's and the whole family will be there. Not looking forward to it though.

Oh - and to top it all off, my Mum thought today would be a good day to tell me that she has Angina. Just to add to the ever increasing list of terminal illnesses she has. I know that sounds terribly selfsih of me - after all, she is the one with the condition. But she also said she has known for MONTHS so I am a bit pissed off that she chose to tell me today!

Just want to curl up in a ball and hide until it all goes away.

Letter From Solicitor

My solicitor sent me a copy of a letter they received from Nick's solicitor. I thought it was so interesting I have just had to transcribe it on here.

Dear Sirs

RE: Our Client: Nicholas Wales
Your Client: Toni Scott [note the interesting use of my maiden name]

We write further to previous correspondence in connection with this matter. [Oh yeah? What previous correspondence?]

We understand from out client that your client has befriended a man [yes - about 22 years ago] who he believes to live in Chelmsford. Your client visits her friend on a regular basis at which time our client cares for the children. [Errrm.. not always actually. Sometimes they go to my Mum's or Aaron comes with me as Nick has refused to allow me to bring Gemima.]

Our client is planning to stay with his family in Cornwall over the Christmas period [No, he's not but I wish he would] and is concerned that your client may take Aaron and Gemima to see her friend. Whilst Aaron is aware that the parties are divorcing, Gemima does not [impressive use of grammar there] and our client wishes all efforts to be made to ensure that Gemima is not made aware of the circumstances until after the Christmas period. [Oh, I am so glad I send info to the solicitor weeks ago outlining Nick's intention to tell Gemima before Christmas] He would therefore take great objection to your client taking Aaron and/or Gemima to stay with her friend on account of the confusion and upset it may cause at this difficult time for the family.

Our client's intention is not to thwart your client's plans or try and interfere in your client's life [Yeah, right!] but to ensure the wellbeing of the childrenand spare them from anything that may cause them to be confused or distressed. [OMFG! That - from Him!] Our client would hope that your client would take a similar view.

Hockey and Fog

Holy Shit! Left the house to go to hockey this evening and it was like driving through clouds!

Jade phoned from London to tell me that it was really foggy there too and if it was too bad, not to drive home tonight.

Made it to the hockey to see Chieftains lose 4-6 to Peterborough - although it was a good game in the end.

Driving back from the hockey cemented the decision not to go back to London tonight. Poor Keith has to put up with me for yet another night!!

Nick, of course, was a sarky fucker when I phoned to tell him and I guess assumed I was just wanting to stay another night with my "boyfriend" or "that bloke" as he insists on referring to Keith now.

Seven For A Secret Never To Be Told

That's me that is. The proverbial Magpie.

Feeling a bit shit today. Feeling A LOT shit today actually.

Odd things which various people have said over the last few days that have piled up in my brain.

I know I am probably adding two and two and coming up with seven... but still... I feel like shit today and I am having a diffficult time containing it.

For those of you who are wondering what the fuck I am on about, the Magpie song, as far as I can remember, goes as follows:

1 for sorrow
2 for Joy
3 for a Girl
4 for a Boy
5 for Silver
6 for Gold
7 for a Secret Never To Be Told
8 for a Wish

I can't remember the rest - nor can I be arsed to Google it.

Please feel free!

I am sure there are various other versions out there but that's the one I remember.

Sophie's Home... Again!

She's back! They let her out! Woohoo!

Fingers crossed she'll be OK over Xmas.

Christfarce Shopping at Lakeside

Oh God! Time to face up to it. I have done bugger all in the way of Christfarce shopping this year. Usually I am all finished and everything is wrapped and under the tree and all the food is bought etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

The last Saturday before Christfarce and I am only just getting my arse in gear. Its not good. Keith and I dragged ourselves up at stupid o'clock, went to the post office for 7am to get some of his parcels and were at Lakeside by about 7.45ish to an almost empty car park. It was great - we got to park right by the entrance and then wander around aimlessly as no bugger was opening up until nigh on 9am!

Sadly found a McNastys which fooled us into thinking it served coffee and breakfast. Yuk! BIG mistake! Haven't had a McNastys for years and now I remember exactly why! I swear my stomach is still burbling from it now.

Whizzed around, did all the shopping I could be arsed to do (basically for Jade, Aaron and Gemima) and left Lakeside around 11:30ish to go to the hospital.

Skiving Off

It is becoming a habit! Today I did Fuck All at work. No great surprise there. It being the last day before Christfarce and all that.

Pub for lunch then took back some of the hours owed to me from last Wednesday night and at 3pm buggered off to Chelmsford to pick Keith and Sam up from hospital.

Docs say that Sophie might be able to come home tomorrow! All being well and her being able to keep food down for more than a few milliseconds!

Fingers Crossed!

The Wanderer Returns.... Sadly!

It was back when I dragged my arse downstairs this morning. Sound asleep on the sofa. Made doing the washing up very loudly seem almost worthwhile!

He'd been out with the guys from work last night but forgot to mention it. Some dive in Bexleyheath apparently. He drank 5 pints (not bad going for someone who is not supposed to be drinking alcohol at all at the moment - twat) and to top it off - he drove home!

What an arsehole! Damn shame he wasn't pulled over. But then it was gone 2am before he staggered in so I suppose the police figured all the pissheads were gone by then.

The Missing Link...

...Is missing!

Neanderthal Man (my new name for Nick today) was not at home when we got back from the concert this evening.

Doesn't look like he has been home either.

Not answering any texts.

At least he doesn't have any of the children with him - I'd be going spare at the moment otherwise.

Am not getting my hopes up - I have checked - all his clothes are still here.

One for the Boys

Went to see Aaron in his school Xmas concert this evening. Two whole hours it went on for! Thankfully it wasn't all Xmas carols - in fact there were only 2 xmas carols sung the whole night and they were at the end.

Aaron was in the junior choir.

Aaron was the ONLY boy in the junior choir.



Being Aaron, this didn't seem to phase him one bit. In fact when they were singing, all the girls were standing stock still just singing (as you'd expect of a church choir I guess) but not Aaron - no - he was standing in the front bopping away and singing his heart out, looking like he was having the best time ever!

Well done Aaron!

Xmas Plays and Xmas Parties

I have been surrounded by the relentless spirit of Xmas today. Ordinarily I would be fine with this. Usually I love Xmas. This year I can't be arsed. Haven't even done the whole prezzie buying thing. Am in serious need of motivation.

Gemima's school play went well, despite her having an onstage disagreement with another child who was doing the signing wrong!

A child of mine correcting someone? Surely not, I hear you say.

I don't know where she gets it from.....

And to top it all off a fun packed evening with a particularly awkward client of mine who I had the pleasure of taking to a party at a residential home where I am hoping we can place him.

He seemed to be having a great time until his carer realised that he had forgotten to bring his medication and needed to go back to get it before he had a seizure.

Although in the end he did have a minor seizure before we left, he was very reluctant to go back home as he was enjoying the music and watching the girls dance!

Headaches And Xmas Plays

Woke up with a headache of hangover proportions - despite not having drunk anything other than sodding tea or coffee for days!

Dosed myself up so hopefully the horrid creature banging about in my brain will shut up before Gemima's Xmas play this morning.

She is playing an Angel.... go figure!

Is weird to think I won't be seeing Keith and the kids til Friday. Have gotten a bit used to seeing them all on a regular basis now. Any time I add to that it flips me out of my routine and then I miss them.

Yes.... I know!

Right - can't sit here all morning babbling on about me. Time to go and have my ears perforated by seven-year-olds singing Xmas carols loudly and badly!

Hurrah!

...And Again

Met Keith at his house and briefly saw Sam who is off sick with the dreaded lurgies.

Left the hospital at 3pm today instead of 4pm. Good job too, because all the Xmas nutters out doing their shopping had caused a bit of a kerfuffle and mayhem was unleashed at the Dartford Tunnel - took over an hour to get across the toll bridge! Got back to my mum's at 5.45 - almost three hours to do a journey that normally takes 45 mins.

Still - it was worth it. Got to spend the day with Keith and Sophie and have rediscovered a former addiction to junk food TV.

Jeremy Kyle Rules!!! LMFAO

Hospital Again

Poor Keith ended up carting Sophie back to hospital by ambulance at stupid o'clock this morning and stayed there through the night with her.

I decided to take a day off work (thanks to a huge build up of time in lieu hours owed to me), buggered off to Chelmsford and spent the best part of 5 hours with Keith and Sophie at the hospital.

A Lucky Mistake

Checked all my post when I got home Sunday. Amongst it was a letter from my solicitor responding to the statement I had sent in from Jade and to the diary pages I had sent in outlining what Nick has been saying to Aaron.

The letter, in a nutshell, acknowledged that the situation here at home has become intolerable but advised that in the absence of actual physical violence, it would be difficult to get an Order to get Nick out of the house.

The letter also said that Nick is wrong in his assertions that I either have to buy him out, he has to buy me out or we have to sell the house and advised me to come in and discuss other options.

My mistake was in forgetting to file the letter away. I left it on the desk in front of the computer all day on Monday.

Nick worked from home on Monday and read the letter!!

He did come and tell me on Monday evening though and asked what I had told the solicitor. He seemed very shocked when I said that I have documented and told the solicitor everything he has said and done to me and the kids since proceedings began.

He was also shocked to learn that the house does not have to be sold.

The lucky part is that it seems to have had a bit of a positive impact on his behaviour. He has generally been a bit more co-operative this evening and was even nice to Aaron!

Maybe he has come off Planet Nick and landed in Reality for a bit. Who knows!! Stranger things have happened I am sure.

Wonder how long it will last...

Sophie's back to the hospital

Got a stressed text from Keith. Sophie had been having tummy pains again and they were back in the ambulance heading for the hospital.

Poor Sophie - must be horrible for her - she doesn't need this over Xmas.

Poor Keith too - all that stress again just when he thought there was a reprieve.

Love and hugs to all of you.

Sore Throats and Cliff Walking

Woke up Sunday morning with a headache and a horribly sore throat!

My own fault for spending Friday night at the House Of Lurgies. Both Keith and Sophie have had sore throats and not been well.

Dragged myself up at 9am - a small miracle considering I went to bed at stupid o'clock. Nan had already gone off on her travels so Gemima and I dossed in front of the TV watching A Christmas Carol - the film version with Patrick Stewart playing Scrooge. Gemima sat through the whole thing! Was quite nice to sit with her and relax. Has been too long.

Made scrambled eggs and smoked salmon for breakfast! What a fab breakfast it was too!

Was freezing today - but beautiful, clear and sunny. Went for a walk to the playpark at the top of the cliff. Took some pics as you can see below....!


Gemima and Aaron freezing on the clifftop!


The View over the edge of the cliff

Sunset!!

Bombing off to Bexhill and Shocking Revelations

Dragged myself away from the comforts of Keith's house by 11am Saturday morning and hauled the lovely new Astra (which drives like a dream by the way) through the shitty traffic jams on the M25 and the Dartford Tunnel to Erith to collect Gemima from Karen's house where she'd had a sleepover last night.

Actually, poor Karen had three of her daughter's friends sleep over last night! FOUR 7-year-olds in one house... Crazy woman!

Collected Aaron from My Mum's and went to see my Nan. Was nice to spend some time with her - she complimented me on my recent massive weight loss but took longer than expected to remark on the recently dyed black hair! Was up chatting to her until 11.30pm when she had to go to bed because she is up at 5am to swan off to Belgium for 4 days!

Did the usual texting back and forth to Keith for a good chunk of the day. He'd been off out at various pubs in London with an old friend of his. He phoned me when he left the pub and, hey presto, landed me with a shocking revelation! Actually - those were his words, not mine. The revelation was only surprising to me - and only then because I had not expected anything like it at this point in time!

Yes I know - you're wondering what the hell I am babbling about.

Can't say at the moment - sorry - but Watch This Space!

Got to bed just after 2am when Keith got home to Chelmsford from London and we eventually stopped chatting & texting!

I don't know - couple of bloody teenagers!

Flying Visit to SWF

Yay! In Chelmsford again at Keith's. No great surprise there - it is Friday and this tends to be my usual haunt of a weekend.

Dropped off futon bed and took Keith and Sophie to ASDA to get food and Xmas tree!

Didn't eat food... and didn't put up Xmas tree either!

Sam had some friends staying for a sleep-over so Keith and I escaped the chaos and looked at his FAB new Stargazer makeup - he has the most gorgeous purple lippy and eyeshadow - would be jealous but I know I'll end up borrowing it anyway so no point!

Lots of chatting and talking about emotions this evening. Good to get things out in the open.

Relatively early night as I have to get back to London tomorrow morning to collect Aaron and Gemima and go to my Nan's. Will be weird not being here for the whole weekend. Can't remember the last time I didn't spend a Saturday with Keith!

I Can Get A Double Bed In The Back Of My Car!!

Sounds terribly exciting doesn't it?

Would be nice. And its almost true.

What I do in fact have in the back of my lovely new car is a dismantled double futon bed. Will be driving it to Keith's tomorrow after work.

Apart from that and a little grumbling on Nick's part, today has been relatively non-eventful.... so far!

So Near and Yet So Far.....

Tonight Nick has been a grumpy fucker.

No change there then, I hear you say.

Well you might be right, except for one thing... He was being grumpy while he was separating all his personal documents from the files and packing them up!

"Packing?" I hear you say...

Yes! Packing!

I did briefly get my hopes up that he might be about to move out imminently.

This was further compounded when he told me that he will have some boxes arriving soon and will be packing away his stuff.

"Thank God!" I thought to myself and hardly daring to believe it I managed to calmly ask "So, have you found somewhere to move to then?"

Too much to hope for wasn't it?

The answer was a resounding No in the most grupmy of grumpy tones!

It turns out that he will be packing his stuff away so that he can, and here I am quoting, "fuck off at a moment's notice whenever I feel like it and just leave you with all this shit to deal with by yourself."

As if that was a threat! "All this shit" will be so much easier to deal with once he has gone.

So near and yet so far......

Got A New Toy!!

Woohoo!

LEft work early and picked up beautiful new Astra.

Very nice to drive.

Is now sitting on my driveway looking pretty!

Hurrah!

Meh...

Today fuck-all happened!

Except my headache.

And Ebay shopping for skirts because mine are all too big now.

Car Shopping!!

Today I took the day off to go car-hunting. I only have until Thursday to drive the fab courtesy car.

Ideally I would like to get a VW Golf - I am a little fond of this GT they have lent me - but the prices are astronomical and I just can't do it at this moment in time.

After much scooting about looking at cars I went with Jamie and Jade to the Vauxhall Garage in Bexleyheath where I met and fell in love with a cute jade-green Astra Estate with 42000 miles on the clock and costing less than 4K.

Only a 1.6i so not as much oomph as the GT's 2.0 Turbo Diesel engine - but the Astra is a petrol engine and that makes a difference - its also lighter than the GT so again that should help.

Sorted paperwork - paid deposit - got credit for remaining.


Will look forward to having it on my driveway by Wednesday!

Hurrah!

Incidentally - the hire car people were supposed to write and say when they are picking the GT up - but no word so far!

Goodbye Squished Car

Today they took my little Peugeot 306 away to the great big car park in the sky. Poor little thing can't be fixed.

Bye-bye Peugeot!

Hair Dye, Nose Rings and Slimes...!

I woke up stupidly early Saturday morning considering Keith, Hazel and I had hit the PT last night.

Spent the morning colouring Sam's hair black. There is now no-one in Keith's house with even a millemetre of natural coloured hair!

Sophie had decided that she wanted to have her nose pierced so we trekked off to Chelmsford to have it done. Not to be outdone, Keith decided that he would have his nose pierced too - not that anyone would notice given that he has been wearing a fake one for the past couple of decades!

Sophie went first and her reaction to having a needle shoved through her nose was enough to give Keith the jitters so when it came time for him to brave the needle, Sophie had to run and get me to hold his hand. He did do very well in the end - no tears and no passing out at all!!!

Met my friend Karen and her brother Chris in London to go clubbing at Slimelight. Karen had dyed her hair shocking pink which looked amazing! Will post pics as soon as she sends them from her phone.

Sadly Chris had been misinformed about the dress code and turned up in blue jeans and white trainers - which is practically prohibited at Slimes! Luckily Keith had seen fit to bring a change of clothes for the journey home, which included a pair of black jeans. Chris had to change into them in a freezing alley, along with my FAB NIN hoodie (shut-up Keith - I can hear you grumbling about NIN!) and we did all eventually get in.

Much alcohol and fun was had by all. Spent much of the night flailing about the traditional goth dance floor. Keith and I eventually left at 7.30 on Sunday morning. We decided to give the London Fetish Fair a miss as we were barely awake and I struggled to stay awake on the train back to Chelmsford while Keith dozed off beside me!

Collapsed in a heap when we got in and was woken by Sam and Sophie with mug of tea at about 3pm - only to be told that they needed shopping in Asda which shut at 4 and I had less than an hour to get human and get there!

Finally made it to Ice Hockey to watch the Chieftains lose 3-5 to Guildford in what was actually a pretty good game. Keith was crowned noisiest bugger in the place (probably ever) with a superb homemade Sieve Hat (well, tea-strainers actually but lets not split hairs) which was plonked on his head during the first Goalie/Sieve chant!

Friday at the PT

Excellent night at the brush. Music was definitely better than on the Saturday we went a few weeks back.

Keith got chatted up by some random bloke who came and squeezed his ass the second I went off to the loo. He also got accosted for photos from a bunch of strangers!

Bloody exhibitionist!

Here's some pics from the night which I have unashamedly stolen from Keith's page!!


Keith

Keith and Me

Keith's FAB outfit

Me and Hazel

WTF???

I do believe Nick has successfully managed to kill off any chance of salvaging a relationship with Aaron.

Aaron and my Brother, Jamie, have a very close relationship which has always been a point of jealousy for Nick. To explain, Jamie is disabled and won't have any children of his own so is very close to all his neices but is particularly close to Aaron. Jamie was the first person I told I was pregnant with Aaron and he was always the first to volunteer to look after him - depite only being 16 when Aaron was born.

I found out this evening that while Aaron was with him last weekend, Nick had, whilst driving past Jamie's house, said to Aaron "Why don't you get Jamie to adopt you, if he's man enough."

Now this was devastating to Aaron for two reasons:
Nick was saying he didn't want him.
Nick was making fun of Jamie's disability.

Aaron was so upset that it has taken FIVE days for him to tell anyone!

So - to cap that, Nick was being a total bastard tonight as well. When I was putting Gemima to bed he decided to go have a man to man chat with Aaron.

Aaron and Gemima's bedroom doors are directly opposite so I could see and hear everything Nick was saying - and it wasn't good.

Basically - in a nutshell, Nick told Aaron that he and I did not love each other any more - to quote "Point of fact I think we hate each other".

It was awful - I was watching Aaron's face as he said that and I could clearly see something in his eyes just die. He actively pulled away from Nick and I had to stop myself from kicking the bastard. When I stood up and walked towards the door he kicked it shut in my face twice and demanded to talk to Aaron in private. Naturally I wasn't going to let that happen and asked him why he thought I would when he had just told Aaron he hates his mother. Nick's response was to tell me he was going to say the same to Gemima.

He then told Aaron not to be upset and tried to hug him. I pointed out that Aaron was probably more upset when he had told him to get my brother to adopt him....

Nick's reaction...... he laughed.

Fucking shit!

He also said he will tell Gemima about the divorce before he marched downstairs to sleep on the sofa.

So What Was That About Me Being Unattractive??

Nick was in a right royal strop with me this morning and I am delighted about it.

A bit of a build-up of events really. I woke up in a ridiculously happy mood for some unknown reason. Got the kids up – was larking about with them upstairs then came downstairs to find him still curled up on sofa... so my naughty side came to life... and I called out very loudly “Morning! Time to get up now! Want a cuppa?” as I switched on all the lights and went through to the kitchen.

He was a bit irritated by this for some reason.

He followed me into the kitchen and demanded to know WTF I was so happy about. So I said there’s no reason – I just am. So he grumbled something about me being miserable for weeks which I ignored and then he wandered off.... and then marched back into the kitchen and said “When was it we set up the joint account?” so I said I couldn’t remember and he said “Yeah – because before that I paid everything because you had no income”, to which I reminded him that it doesn’t count because Gemima was under 5 (under school age) and I was home looking after her plus we were getting paid as foster carers and I was the primary carer, so he could just forget about using that one.

Silly man! He was really annoyed that he couldn’t bait me with that.

Now – for some inexplicable reason, he HATES it when anyone compliments me. Drives him mad. And I got two this morning at Gemima’s school.

The first from Gemima’s friend’s mum, Barbara. Barbara and her husband are the friends who Nick has decided are HIS friends and not mine for some reason!

Anyhow, Barbara was talking to Nick when I arrived and when she saw me in my shiny boots and smaller clothes and the gorgeous sparkly purple glittery lipgloss which I was wearing today, she said very loudly in her big Danish voice, “Wow – Toni you are looking REALLY good these days!” and Nick looked SO pissed off!

So I grinned and said thank you and then wandered off to Gemima’s class feeling even chirpier.

The second compliment (of sorts) came from some random bloke who was dropping his kids at the school. He’d parked behind me on the road and had seen me get out of my car going into the school and had been watching me wiggle my way up the road in my high heels as he walked behind me (you know how you can tell when people are looking at you).

Anyhow – he was walking in front of me when I left the school and Nick was walking a pace or two behind me. This bloke stopped and offered to let me walk ahead on the pretext that his toddler was making him slow (he was carrying his toddler!) and that I didn’t want to be getting all wet in the rain. So I smiled and walked round him and then thought that maybe he had done it so he could watch my butt wiggle back up the road again... so I turned and looked and caught him watching!!! And I smiled at him and carried on – but Nick had crossed the road and had obviously seen all this and looked like he was about to explode!

Oh it was SO worth it! So I wiggled my butt a little bit more and grinned all the way back to my car as Nick positively stomped back to his which was parked in front of mine.

Sorry what was that Nick – something about me being physically unattractive??? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaa!!!!!

I feel positively great! Have managed to get on his nerves in three ways this morning – two of them unplanned and unprompted!

Yay - I Get To Go Car Shopping!

I need to have a minor rant about how shite my car insurer is. The stupid people forgot to ask me to send them certain documents (namely MOT, Registration and Certificate of Insurance) which meant that the legal company sorting out the car hire were going to terminate my courtesy car as of tomorrow on the grounds that I hadn't sent the docs in!

Oh My Fucking God! What a stresshead I was when I got THAT call this afternoon!

Anyhow - after several calls back and forth between insurance company and legal company - plus a race back home to get said docs and fax them to stupid insurance company - I finally managed to get assurance that the insurance company are issuing a cheque tomorrow for £1,200 so I can get another car (well the Peugeot was old and knackered) and the legal company will extend the courtesy car agreement to Thursday 13th December.

So I have a week to find another car!

Better get looking then!

Ebay and Autotrader - here I come!!

And The Idiot Has Surpassed Himself

I didn't think it could be done but Nick's level of lunacy dipped to an all time low this morning.

He actually asked me to stop coming to Gemima's school to drop her off in the mornings so that "I can spend more time with my daughter" without me being there.

Yeah, right Nick............... AS IF!!

In his mind, because I drop Aaron to his school every morning for 8.30 by myself, this means I am spending quality time with him, therefore I should not then come to Gemima's school (she goes in at 8.55) because he wants to spend quality time with her.

Eh?? What fucking planet is the man living on?

Anyhow, quite naturally I have politely declined his invitation to butt out of my daughter's life on the grounds that he is a FUCKING UNREASONABLE GOBSHITE.

There - I feel better now!!

Jingle Bells, Santa Smells.....

Oh God! Christfarce is nearly here again. I really can't be arsed with it all this year. I haven't dreaded the whole rigmarole of Christmas this much since my Mum was rushed into intensive care in December 1999 with double pneumonia and multiple organ failure.

Yes, I know I have to do it for the kids.

And I will.

Eventually.

But working up the enthusiasm is tough, especially given all the crap that seems to be coming in my direction at the moment.

Can't say I feel particularly cheery.

The only Christmas Spirit I'll be interested in will come from a Rum bottle!

I'm only glad we arranged for my sister to do it this year. Don't think I would have coped with having it here at all!

Can I just go to sleep now please and someone wake me up when its all over?

Oh Happy Days!!

Today is the anniversary of my former best friend shagging Aaron's (my son's) biological necessity.

Tomorrow it will be the anniversary of me finding out about it.

Deep Fucking Joy!

Although I acknowledge that I got great kids out of my crappy relationships, I do seem to be particularly good at making shit choices!!

Christfarce Non-arrangements

Another long and unproductive chat with Nick tonight. He has decided in his wisdom that it is a good plan to tell the kids about the divorce right before Christmas.

All done in the name of being truthful of course. He apparently doesn't want to use his MS as an excuse for not coming to my sister's for Christmas.

This of course is not him thinking about what is best for a seven-year-old to hear right before Christmas.

And then there is the fact that he doesn't actually know what he is doing over Christmas at all....

He might go to Cornwall to be with his family for a couple of weeks...

Or he might just go for new year...

Or he might not go at all until January...

He might take the kids with him...

Or he might not....

Or he might fuck off to Cornwall by himself, jack his job in and not come back at all...

Who knows???!!!!

Lots of pissing about.

Its all about Nick - as per usual.

Grumble grumble grumble....

My head hurts!

Yes! I've Had a Good Weekend!!!

Stayed at home Friday night - the first time in at least a month. It was weird not being at Keith's on a Friday - didn't feel right somehow. I think I have gotten myself into a routine here. Hopefully Keith doesn't mind too much.

Saturday was nice. With the exception of Nick being an arse in the morning and telling me that although he hadn't intended to make me feel bad about myself for the best part of the last decade, he is actually glad that he did now!!! What a shit!! He did apologise afterwards and put it down to the mood swings caused by the MS but doesn't stop it hurting does it!

Anyhow, I had been going to take Jade and Gemima to Bluewater on Saturday as Richard Hammond was doing a book signing there but when we looked up the times online it appeared that he'd only be there for an hour and it just didn't seem to be worth the hassle of getting all the way there through the throng of Xmas shoppers on the offchance that we may or may not get a book signed.

So the three of us went off to Greenwich to bum around the market and go Christmas Spotting (what we do when we have sod-all money to go shopping!). It was fun - bought a pretty new ring. Actually got 2 Xmas prezzies and spotted several that I am going to get for people.

Drove to Keith's on Saturday evening - got there a full hour and a half before I said I would! Ended up meeting Hazel and an assortment of her friends at a local pub. Wore my very sexy shiny boots which are hard to drive in! Was my first venture out in them other than breaking them in by clomping round the office in them.

Spent today lounging about in the morning, then off to Chelmsford with Keith, Sophie and Sam, then a mass hair-colouring session doing Keith's and Sophie's hair (no time to do mine) before heading off to Ice Hockey.

Chelmsford Chieftains won 3-1 against Milton Keynes. The first game I have seen them win in the month or two that I have been going! Woohoo!!

Roll on next weekend - Pink Toothbrush on Friday, Slimelight on Saturday and London Fetish Fair and Ice Hockey on Sunday. Might need matchsticks under my eyes come Monday!!

Meh......................

Feeling really flat today. Kind of tired and washed out. And a bit sick. Don't feel like eating but made myself because I was getting nagged at by all and sundry.

One day of not having an appetite does not mean I have reinstated my former eating disorder people! I am not at risk of fading into nothing. At absolute best I have gone from a size 24 to a size 20 - or maybe an 18 at a push - in the past 3 months.

Still at home this evening. Would have gone to Keith's but quite apart from the fact that he is possibly getting a bit overwhelmed with his constant visitor and he had things to do tonight anyway, I need to spend some time with my girls. More so as Nick refuses to allow me to take Gemima with me to Keith's.

We were going to go and see Richard Hammond doing his book signing thing at Bluewater tomorrow - but its only on from 1-2 and the chances of getting anything signed in that timeframe.... slim to none I would have thought. So we're not going. We'll probably do some Christmas shopping or something. Or maybe I can buy some jeans as I have no sodding clothes that fit me any more - even those ones that were skin-tight and uncomfortable are now falling off me.

Gotta love the Stress Plan Diet...!

Good Grief

Nick and I actually had a civil conversation last night without me being shouted at or called names or accused of anything!

Might even have sorted out Christmas arrangements.

Remains to be seen whether it will be stuck to - but at least its a start.

Watch this space.

Fairweather Friends And All That

I was going to write a big ranting blog about a so-called friend of mine who has been a total cow and has deleted me from her friends list on facebook and blocked me over a picture of a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs which her boyfriend has accused me of sending him... only I didn't send them to him... I sent them to her.

I was going to write about how pissed off I am but you know what... I can't be arsed. After an evening of being shocked and then upset over it I came to the conclusion that even if we have known each other for 12 years, if she is prepared to end our friendship over a picture, then she was never a friend to start with and is no great loss.

She only ever phoned when she wanted something anyway - so I guess that is another burden off my shoulders if nothing else.

Fucking Fairweather Friends

Sophie's home!!

Good news at last!

Thought it would never happen on this blog, didn't you!!

Well, aha - you were wrong!

Yes - as the title says - Sophie is indeed back at home. She has, I believe, actually been discharged this time and shouldn't be back in until her op to remove the gallbladder.

At least - we hope!

Chrisfarce Lights

Well, its nearly Chrisfarce again and we have reached the time of year when usually sane people attempt to outdo each other in the who-can-make-the-house-look-the-tackiest competition. Each year it gets that little bit earlier and that little bit more nauseating.

I am sure that at some point I will wander about with my camera and take pics to post here. Until that time I shall continue to drive past with a look of combined revulsion and morbid fascination at the ridiculous display.

Grumble, grumble!!!!!

Living With An Emotional Pendulum

Nick's mood swings are getting worse. Its a fact.

He was fairly human this evening when I came home from work. Made me a coffee too - which is something he hasn't done in a while. Was almost surreal. Had a relatively normal conversation with no slagging off or nastiness. Is unusual to see Normal Nick make an appearance these days.

I put Gemima to bed. Told Nick I was going to help Karen pack as she is moving this weekend. No problems. He said "see you later then" and even switched on the porch light for me.

Got back.... Normal Nick had disappeared and the one that had taken his place was cycling between Hypochondriac Nick and Angry Nick. Very hard to tell which Nick I am dealing with these days. I know my moods can be changeable but I'm a gemini - its to be expected - and even I can't keep up with him!

He was all ready to go to sleep on the sofa when I walked through the front door. He'd been out having a fag in the garden and stunk out the living room with his nasty ashtray smell.

I listened to him moan about the cold, then about his backache, then about the fact that the sofa is hardly an orthopedic mattress (as he was laying down on it and pulling his blankets on).

I asked if he wanted more blankets and he replied that he would get too hot! After having been moaning about the cold.

I asked if he wanted me to turn off the wall lights, to which I received a grumbled unintelligible response. So I turned them off and got a grumble, so I turned them on again on dim and got another grumble, so I made the point of telling him that I cannot understand him when his face is under a blanket, to which he responded by lifting his head out of the blankets and saying in a very cross voice "I'm having a dizzy spell. I said I was having a dizzy spell." then after a few secnds said "Yes! Turn the lights off then", which I did - to which he said in a very sarcastic voice "Thanks! Thanks VERY much".

I was actually surprised at his sudden change of character so I didn't leave immediately and promptly got told to "piss off then". When I said "what was that?" he replied crossly, "Oh just go to bed!"

Nice. What a tosser. Yes - I know he was hinting that he should be able to have the bed but he didn't actually ask for it. Next time he can switch the lights off himself! Ingrate!

New Phone

My super fab and groovy phone is now alive with SatNav wizardry!

Software arrived in the post today along with a free 1gb memory card. Woohoo!!!

Now - if I can just get the damn stuff to run on this sodding PC!

Sophie Update

Sophie has had her op! Finally! Done late this morning under a general anasthetic.

Pulled a sicky today (bad girl! I know!) and drove to Chelmsford to be with Keith, Sophie and Keith's Mum at the hospital. Was great - like bunking off school!

Poor Keith was a bit withdrawn and a bit stressy but on the whole, coped really well.

Sophie was back in no time at all minus gallstone and with a widened tube in the gall bladder to stop another stone getting stuck. Plans still afoot to remove the gallbladder in the near future - watch this space.

So, Sophie gets to go home again now (probably tomorrow all being well) and Keith and the kids can get one with being a family without the stress of daily hospital visits.

Big sighs of relief all round I suspect.

Update!

OK - so I have been really slack and not updated the blog for a few days! Apologies to the two people who have moaned at me for it. You are probably the only two people other than me who read it!

so - in a nutshell.... the weekend consisted of:

Friday:

• Argument with Nick in the morning about taking kids to Keith's to watch Ice Hockey. Nick says Gemima is NEVER to go to Keith's or to see ice hockey. (Pah! Yeah! We'll see about that matey!) Nick moaned about not spending enough time with Aaron and bitched that I was taking him away again.
• Text from Nick in the evening to say he has taken kids to Pizza Hut. Got home just before 6pm - 2 hours after I was supposed to have left. Obvious ploy to delay me. Even Aaron could see that and said as much.
  
• Further disagreement with Nick who failed to see why I was leaving Friday night when Ice Hockey is Sunday - despite having been told Aaron is going to cinema with Sam on Sat afternoon and I don't want to risk being late.
• Nick demanded to have Keith's address because he "has a right to know where his son is being taken". Also stated that if I don't tell him and don't allow him to be a proper father to Aaron then he will get legal advice on having his name taken off of Aaron's adoption certificate so that he is no longer responsible for him!! Fortunately, Aaron had left the room at that point and did not hear.
• Drove to Keith's - Aaron went straight up to play on X-Box with Sam. Sophie was home for the weekend but went up to her room after dinner and I was finally able to relax for the first time in a week and fell asleep on Keith's sofa. What a considerate friend I am!! LMAO! Thank you Keith!
• Missed a call and a text from Nick demanding to say goodnight to Aaron. Finally allowed Aaron to call Nick at just after 11:30pm when I checked my phone.

Saturday:

• Boys dropped off at Sam's friend's house. Aaron got to go to cinema with Sam and his friends and got to join in the sleepover as well. He had a brilliant time and I think it was the highlight of the weekend for him.
• Went to Chelmsford with Keith and Sophie and got new phone - now have fab and gorgeous O2 XDA Orbit which is lovely and has free SatNav.
• Sophie was ill Saturday evening just as we were all relaxing on sofa. Turns out she should have had painkillers over her weekend leave but they had not given any to her. Resulted in her being in much pain and throwing up and a speedy drive back to the hospital where she ended up staying.

Sunday:

• Collected boys in the morning. Texted them to let them know we were coming and that Sophie was back in hospital. In typical boy fashion, neither was ready to go when Keith and I arrived. In fact by all accounts Sam was still in his pants playing games!
• Trundled off to hospital to visit Sophie for a few hours. Left Aaron and Sam to fend for themselves in the house.
• Went to watch Ice Hockey. MUCH better game than last week. We lost - but it was close and not as frustrating to watch.
• Long drive home. Got a bit tearful and emotional at the thought of having to come back and face the barrage of crap Nick has subjected me to over the past week. Fortunately Keith was around to give me a pep talk, a hug and a kick up the bum so I did go in the end!
• Aaron announced in the car that he did not want to go back home. Was difficult for me to have to persuade him that we needed to, especially when I was so reluctant to go myself.
• Message from Jade to say she is staying at my Mum's because she did not want to be at the house while Nick was there.
• Got home to find that Nick was asleep in my bed in the loft. Could not be bothered with the argument and did not want to speak to him or see him so I slept in Jade's bed.

Monday:

• Only a little dig at me in the morning. Commented on the fact that I had not got Aaron to call him on Saturday. Did not want to say that Aaron had not been there, instead suggested that as he has Aaron's mobile number, he could call that directly instead of expecting Aaron to phone him from my phone.
• Nick mentioned, as I was leaving to do the school run, that Bob, my brother and sister's Dad, had called him on the weekend and that he had seemed to know an awful lot about the divorce. Nick didn't elaborate on what Bob said to him but Nick has stopped being quite so agressive towards me. Co-incidence? Perhaps not....!!

Aaaaargh

What a shit!!

He finally strolled in at just after 8pm. He'd taken her to the Eltham Christmas Lights thingy but did not think we were important enough to tell.

Fucking Arsehole!

Three hours to do ASDA... Really?

Bit worried. Nick left the house today at about 3pm to get Gemima from school. He told Jade that he'd nip off and get some shopping after picking Gemima up and that he'd take her with him.

It's 7pm. They're still not back. He won't answer his phone. I've sent texts and left voicemail asking him to let me know where they are. Not heard yet.....

Bastard is just doing this to worry me.

Ticking Away Like A Criminally Insane Timebomb....

My brain hurts. I think I may even be a little overtired. I'm definitely a lot stressed. If I'm not careful I'm going to end up with one of those nervous ticks that are usually associated with the slightly criminally insane!!

The tension in this house is unbearable. Its almost as though while we lived with it day in and day out for years, we were used to it, it seemed normal and we could cope. Having the house as a Nick-Free-Zone for nine whole days allowed us all to relax and to live how people normally live.

Having to cope with having him back seems cruel. I feel like I am being punished for something. His sarcastic comments and arrogance and belligerance and the constant whine of the "poor me" engine inside him that goes on and on emitting crap from his brain floods my ears until I want to scream at him or seriously hurt him. I can't stand to be in the same room as him or even to hear his voice droning on and on about the same old shit all the fucking time!

Why can't he just fuck off back to Cornwall and put us all out of our misery!!!

Its not like we'd miss him. Gemima didn't even ask for him from the early hours of Sunday morning when he went into hospital until the Tuesday evening when I said I'd take her to the hospital to see him.

Both Aaron and Jade commented on how nice the house was and how calm and peaceful and relaxed it felt when he was not there and how tense and stressful it feels now that he is back - and they said it independently and without any prompting.

What does THAT say about him.

God - I feel almost psychotic just thinking about it.

Glad I started this blog really - can't imagine how close I'd be to physically throwing him out of the door/window/car if I didn''t have somewhere to pour out my frustrations.

Yes Keith - I know I can tell you anything and I frequently do - but I can't yell at you in the way I want to yell now so its best I shout at the monitor through the keyboard!!

*deep breath*

That feels better.

Sigh... Another Trudge Through The Dull Saga Of Divorce... Blah blah blah...

Oh God! What a day! The atmosphere in the house is so tense you can almost see it! Can't wait til Nick sods off somewhere else and we can all resume life as it should be.

Everyone is on edge. Nick is taking offence at the tiniest little things and doing nothing but moaning about it.

For example - Jade phoned me this evening about taking Gemima to Brownies tonight. Now bear in mind that I ALWAYS take her to brownies - in the whole time she has been doing the Rainbows/Brownies thing it has been me with the exception of one occasion when I couldn't. Jade committed the cardinal sin of assuming that, as usual, it would be me taking Gemima - and she made this assumption without consulting Nick first to see if he was taking Gemima.

Oh dear God - what a palava. You'd think there was some big conspiracy to exclude him from the thrilling task of driving up the sodding road to Brownies with a 7-year-old in tow.

The first thing he said to me when I walked through the front door after work....

"I'M taking Gemima to Brownies OK. Jade just assumes things and leaves me out and no-one consults me on anything. I'D already arranged to take her so I'M doing it"

Fucking childish twat!!

On a more positive note, I saw my solicitor today. Gave him the money for the court fees so the petition will be filed in the morning. Also gave him a copy of the transcript of mine and Nick's MSN conversation in which he asked if he could "have a shag when I'm gagging for it" and when I objected, informed me that "any hole will do". That went down a storm, I can tell you!!

Also spoke to my solicitor about my friendship with Keith (who I have known since I was about 15) and Nick's accusations that I have been having an affair with Keith since probably about August... along with the fact that in the past Nick has accused me of having an affair with Ed, who I have known since I was 13 and who, at the time I was being accused, I hadn't seen for six months... and Nick's questioning of my 'relationship' with my friend Wendy!

For someone who said they didn't want a sexual relationship with me because I am physically unattractive, he sure is paranoid that I'm getting it somewhere!

Anyhow - I have been advised that if I don't want to stay in the house with him at the weekends, then there is no reason that I should have to - and that if I want to stay at Keith's then I can, because there is no reason I cannot continue to visit my friends just because I am getting divorced.

So Ner!!! A big two fingered salute and a raspberry to Nick The Prick (Thank you to my friend Karen for that fabulous moniker).

The Return Of The Thing

The respite period is over.

*Deep Sigh*

He is back in the house and so is the horrible tension.

Ever since I got his text this afternoon saying he was being discharged I have been getting steadily more tense and now my head feels like it is about to explode!

I haven't had a headache of this magnitude since the Friday before he went into hospital - which coincidentally is the last time I saw him at home!

Cannot wait til this divorce is over.

Seeing my solicitor tomorrow morning.

To top it all - I did not even get a thank you for collecting him....

AND I missed my client's Mum's funeral today for this.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The Upside Of My Weekend

Being a true Gemini, I am of course easily able to live two lives at once. So on the positive side of my weekend, I had a great time at Keith's!

Sophie was allowed to come home for the day on Saturday and Sunday which was nice. It was the first time I have seen her outside the hospital setting and although she is still tired and unwell, it was good to see her up and about.

Sam was lovely - as he usually is. A bit subdued this weekend but there was a lot of activity and lots of people in the house so I suppose it was to be expected that he would sod off to his room for hours on end and only emerge for food!!

I got to meet Keith's Mum. What the hell was I nervous about?! She is lovely - reminds me a lot of my Nan so it was easy to get along with her.

And to cap it all we had a night at the dodgy Pink Toothbrush! Me, Keith and Hazel (who I also met for the first time) Wahay! The music was DIRE and the clientele the MOST BADLY DRESSED I have ever seen in any nightclub anywhere EVER! It was fucking hilarious and Keith and I spent the evening spotting and photographing a selection of (in Keith's words) the top contenders for the Pink Toothbrush What Not To Wear competition! See Keith's blog for the photos - they are priceless.

Here are a few of us.....



Me and Keith!! Why do I always look so pink in photos??


Christ - this music sucks! Wake me up when something decent comes on!


Keith - wake up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!


Hazel - also wishing they'd play something decent or just shoot the DJ!

Roll-up... Roll-up... The World Famous Emotional Rollercoaster Ride Starts Here...

Oh my fucking God! What a weekend it has been. Emotionally I have been up and down like a sodding yo-yo on a runaway rollercoaster.

In a somewhat large nutshell... here's why:

On Friday I was getting ready to go see Keith and his kids for the weekend. His Mum is staying with him and I'd not met her before so I was a little nervous. Meeting two key people in his family in a week. That's stressy enough without all the rest of the shit I am dealing with!!!

Dropped kids off at their respective places and took stuff to the hospital for Nick at the last minute when he called to ask for things. Got to the hospital and Nick was fully dressed in his chair. Momentary panic that he had been discharged and was expecting me to drive him home.

And then Nick calmly asked me to sit down before dropping a bit of a bombshell.

Nick has MS. (Multiple Sclerosis).

Just for info, there are four main types of MS:

1. Benign MS that starts with a small number of mild attacks followed by complete recovery.
2. Primary progressive MS, affects around 12% of people with MS. From the start, the pattern isn't of relapses and remissions but symptoms gradually develop and worsen over time.
3. Relapsing-remitting type is the most common type. About 80% of people with MS have this type at onset. This means the person has relapses (a flare up of symptoms), followed by remissions (periods of recovery). These tend to be unpredictable and their cause is unclear. They can last for days, weeks or months and vary from mild to severe.
4. Many people who start out with relapsing-remitting MS later develop a form known as secondary progressive MS. About 50% of people go on to develop secondary progressive MS during the first 10 years. This means that the disability does not go away after a relapse and progressively worsens between attacks, or that the cycle of attack followed by remission is replaced by a steady progression of disability.

For those of you who have successfully trawled their way to the end of that lot, Nick has been told that he has had MS for more than 10 years and it would seem that although he started at stage 3, he is pretty much at stage 4 now.

In fact, looking back, I can't remember the last time when he would have had a remission - I think over a year ago at least and he has been getting steadily more unwell since. The condition is no longer just affecting his limbs. the MRI scan showed that he has multiple lesions (scars) on his brain and spinal cord and that at the moment it is attacking his internal organs - his digestive system is the latest in line. He's currently on a steroid IV to reduce the inflammation in his brain and spinal cord.

That was a shock.

It was a huge shock actually which resulted in a whirlwind of emotion and guilt and confusion and a number of other emotions I can't even begin to label. And from there started the battle in my head - do I continue with the divorce or do I stop it now?

So after a weekend of tears and talks and hugs from Keith and his kids and pep talks and hugs from my Mum and other friends and my manager and my colleagues, then feeling OK and then feeling shit again, I have come to the conclusion that it would be wrong and hypocritical for me to change my mind about the divorce now. The MS is just ONE OF the contributory factors in what has gone wrong in the marriage - it doesn't change the fact that these things have happened and has no impact on my reasons for wanting the divorce. So I am proceeding.

Now I fully expect to be the bearer of a humungous pile of shite from his family because I suppose I will now be the bitch wife who buggered off when he needed me most. But at the end of the day, as my Mum has so wisely said (thanks Mum) what does their opinion matter to me anyway? They aren't important in my life.

Tomorrow may prove to be interesting. The neurologist will be meeting with Nick and I will be there and that is when we should get some sort of proper prognosis.

But whatever happens, Nick will now be registered disabled and he will have to move as this is a three-storey house and he needs a ground-floor, wheelchair accessible flat.

Emotionally, after this weekend, I am feeling a little flat. Too tired to think about it.

Nick Still In Hospital

Fuck Yeah!!! The house is a Nick-Free-Zone for another night!

He had his MRI scan today but there was no-one about to interpret the results so he has to stay in again.

We've been told (again) that he is likely to come home tomorrow.

At least he will have a peaceful weekend!!!!

Hugs for Keith & Sophie

Poor old Sophie. She was supposed to have her op today but like so many in the NHS queues she ended up getting bumped after a day spent nil-by-mouth and with no pain relief.

Poor old Keith too - not only worried about Sophie but getting all her frustrations in his ear.

Big hugs for both of you!

Sophie Update and Weekend Away

Sophie...

Sophie has her op tomorrow. Will be thinking of her - but I know she'll be fine. Will be thinking of Keith more though because he may not be.

Chin up Keith - phone when its done.


Weekend...

Gemima is spending the weekend at my friend Isobel's.
Aaron is spending the weekend at my brother's
Jade is spending the weekend doing what teenagers do best.
I am spending the weekend at Keith's.

Roll On Friday!!!

And The Saga Continues...

Nick is still in hospital. I got a text this morning from him saying the following:

"May not be out today. Bladder is operating normally now. Had some reflexology tests - indicate upper motor neuron issues. Will most probably have MRI scan. Problem now seems neurological. Doctor said I amy not be out today but he will have a word with you."

Ah - OK - so it may be Motor Neuron Disease then. Of course there will have to be a whole battery of testing before that diagnosis, although granted there are other symptoms present.

Still doesn't account for the bladder ceasing to function every time he drinks beer specifically though.

Still doesn't change the fact that he knew about that effect.

Still doesn't change how I feel about the divorce.

He didn't have the MRI scan done today. Possibly tomorrow. Sadly it is looking as though he will be home tomorrow whether the scan goes ahead or not. Shame - it has been so relaxed here without him causing tension in the house.

Happy Birthday Gemima!!

Seven years old today. My God! Has it really been that long?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Calm Before The Storm

Today has been relatively calm all round. Waded my way through a mountain of paperwork in the office. Actually had a lunch break (jacket potatoes in the pub next door!) and got to leave work at 4pm.

Home is a Nick-Free Zone for another night!

There was a brief moment this afternoon when he texted to say he was being discharged and could I come get him from hospital at about 3pm-ish.
Yeah - right! I'll take time off to come get you then after yesterday's shite shall I?!
But by 4.30pm I'd received another text from him to say they are keeping him in for another night!! Hurrah!

It's calm and quiet at home. Everything is running smoothly. Everyone is happy. There have been NO arguments and all the washing up and laundry is done! Everyone seems really chilled and relaxed and able to stick to their respective routines. The only thing that has changed in our lives is the absence of Nick.

It would seem he really is the antagonist in this particular life drama. All the world being a stage etc., etc...

And The Joy Just Keeps On Coming...

Well, today has been a spectacular pile of shite so far.

Nick's brother, Alex came to visit. That wasn't the bad part - Alex is actually a pretty level headed bloke for the most part and doesn't want to take sides.

No. The shite part was Nick himself who called and asked me to bring some things to the hospital for him this evening, which I did.

In fact, I spoke to Alex, picked Alex up from the station and drove him to the hospital to visit his brother. I even drove him back to my house after, gave him food and tea and then took him to the station to get his train home. What a fucking bitch I am, eh?

Nick, in his gratitude for me bringing his stuff and his brother to him thought it would be a good plan to start making nasty comments and digs about my "male friend" that I "stay with regularly" in front of his brother.

Now, I had been very open and up front with Alex about where I was on the weekend, who I was with and why. Nick of course, didn't know this and made all his comments with the express purpose of making it look like I am having some full on hot and heavy affair.

Yes of course...! With three kids in the hospital room where we spent half of Saturday and most of Sunday...! How could I possibly not be having an affair?!

And lo and behold, after I refused to argue with him and left the ward to sarky comments ringing behind me, Nick followed up with a phone call half an hour after his brother had gone home accusing me some more and saying he doesn't trust me and that as our house has been valued at £210,000 I couldn't possibly buy him out on my pitiful salary.

Oh there were more digs and jibes and insults too numerous to recount but suffice to say, on planet Nick, I am an untrustworthy, lying, cheating, gold-digging slag and I am out for all I can get even if that plan takes a decade to come to fruition.

Of course he is forgetting that when he met me I wasn't a large 36 year old, I was a slim, curvy 26 year old and if I had wanted to go after someone with money then I would NOT have chosen to be with a short-arsed scrawny motherfucker who had only slept with ONE girl by the age of 25 and who was working in a junior position in a shitty local company earning £11k a year!

Oh yeah - and I certainly wouldn't have let the bastard move in rent-free five months later and help him to get a better job for an overnight £4k pay rise.

What a scheming gold-digging bitch I am! I must have known he'd be raking in the £32k he is on now a decade later.

Wanker!

Large boot to bollocks is called for methinks.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

Weird Weekend

Well this weekend has turned out to be both good, bad and downright frustrating!

The Good Stuff...

Went to Keith's on Saturday! That's always good. Took Aaron with me - he didn't want to stay here with Nick. We spent most of the time at the hospital visiting Sophie, which was probably a little weird all round seeing as it was the first time we've met and she was in bed in her PJs and in what looked to be quite considerable discomfort. But it was good to finally meet her.

Sam was quite talkative this weekend - which was nice. It was really good to spend time with Keith and his kids - they are great kids. Sam and Aaron seem to get on pretty well too, which is a bonus and makes life easier all round.

Stayed over on Keith's sofa bed - Sam and Aaron made dinner! Yay! Sam's homemade burgers - really nice! Pleasant surprise! Watched Pick Of Destiny on DVD - Tenacious D Rocks!

All in all, that part of the weekend was pretty good!


The Frustrating Stuff...

OK - this is not in the order listed above but what the hell!

Nick, the idiot I married and am divorcing, decided to put himself in hospital! What a tosser! Now that might sound unsympathetic, but believe me the arsehole deserves a kick up the backside and not sympathy!

Not content with just being pissed off about Aaron and I going to Keith's this weekend to see Sophie in hospital (despite telling me he doesn't care what I do and that I have never had my freedom restricted! Eh?!), Nick thought it would be a really good idea to take Gemima, my 6 year old, out to some function that next door were having. He went out with her at 2:30pm and returned to the house at 11:30pm. Gemima, quite naturally was very tired, it being four hours past her normal bedtime and so far removed from her normal routine. To top that, Nick had decided it would be a good idea to drink beer - which he is not able to drink due to his medication and the fact that when he drinks it, his bladder stops working and he can't pee. He knows this. It has happened before. But no - he is an arse and thought it would be a great idea to get pissed on beer when he was supposed to be responsible for Gemima.

To cap it all, after having brought her home, moaned at her for being overtired and stroppy, then shouted at Jade (my 18-year-old) for trying to settle her down, he buggered off back to the party for another hour and a half coming back at 1:30am, drunk and unable to pee and in considerable pain. Jade had to tell him how to call an amulance because he had gotten himself in such a state that he couldn't remember the number!!!!!!! After telling Jade to fuck off and accusing her of not caring, he then called the ambulance and buggered off to hospital forgetting to tell Jade he was going and making the assumption that she would look after Gemima.

I got a phone call from Jade at 2am very upset and worried about being on her own in the house with Gemima. I had to phone my mum, tell her what was going on and then arrange for a friend to pick Jade and Gemima up and take them to my Mum's.

Nick is currently sitting in hospital still with an apparently permanently damaged bladder from having retained a full litre of fluid MORE than the bladder is supposed to contain. Which is pretty much the amount of beer that he drank. He claims it is down to his IBS (which he has never been diagnosed with).

Probably just as well he is still there. Everyone is majorly pissed off with him for being such an irresponsible bastard


... and The Bad Stuff

Apparently Nick has seen fit to be talking about me in front of Jade and Gemima and saying what golddigger I am! What a shite. The fact that I pay for half of everything is irrelevant then - I am just after his money and his house which happens to be both of ours and for which I pay half the mortgage.

Majorly fucked off now! So much for keeping things amicable. The gloves are well and truly off.

Very nice pic of Keith after Tigertailz gig on Sat 3 Nov

Getting Away From It All

Weekend is here! Thank God! No more work stress for a couple of days. Got the date for the funeral and have sorted out carers etc.. for my client. Now just have to find him somewhere to live.

Well - not spending the weekend quite how I'd envisioned a few days ago but I'm still getting away from it all and going to spend time with Keith and Sam. I'll get to meet Sophie this weekend too... bit nervous but looking forward to it at the same time.

On the divorce front - house is getting valued this weekend... one down, two to go....!

Oh Crappy Days!

What a day! Work has been manic... but its been manic for weeks since we lost 2 social workers and the caseload is still increasing.

Particularly difficult day today. Spent most of the morning dealing with financial and emotional fallout for a client of mine whose mother died on Monday. This case has been the main focus of my week so far and not an easy task given that his understanding of the situation is so limited.

Emotionally draining for me too. I have worked closely with this family for a little over three years now and saw her regularly. She is the third person I have worked with to have died in the time I have worked in social work and it doesn't get any easier. Lots of tears Tuesday morning when I found out.

Home, fortunately, has been OK today. No arguments. Not one. Makes a pleasant change. Actually managed to agree on something, which has been a rarity since I said I want a divorce a few weeks back.

Sitting in the loft freezing my arse off. Fingers are numb - matches my brain today.

Getting started

So... I started setting this thing up a couple of years ago when I first thought about blogging.... but I never quite got round to doing it and then got too wrapped up in everyday stuff and forgot about it.

I'm not entirely sure I know what to do with it now. Could be that there will be all sorts of crap appearing and disappearing from this page over time.... or maybe nothing at all will happen. Who knows!

Likely that there will be more bollocks to come at some point....

Big things happening in my life at the moment:

D I V O R C E

Yeeha!

I'm sure I will have a lot to rant about over the coming months. At least plonking it on here will hopefully stop most of it falling on the ears of my very good friend Keith, who seems to get about 90% of my crap of late.

Sorry Keith. What would I do without you?