Melty Brain Syndrome

I was supposed to have travelled back to London by train last night but sadly my brain went into complete meltdown and I ended up staying at Keith's for another night.

Thank you Keith for putting up with your emotional lunatic of a girlfriend!

Last night I spent about 40 minutes in the shower - not unusual for me as Keith will attest - only in this case, about 30 of those minutes were spent curled in a ball sobbing. Luckily for me, Keith and Sam were downstairs playing Warhammer and so didn't hear me, because I really couldn't have stopped or explained myself at all!

There's something very alarming about sobbing uncontrollably. I've only ever done it once before and that was when I was 12!

Good old Mum (as if she doesn't have enough on her plate). I texted her a garbled and somewhat insane message and she called and calmed me down and persuaded me that perhaps Keith really wouldn't mind if I wasn't able to leave immediately.

And as it turned out, she was right.

A short while later, after having a mad cleaning spree in the kitchen (as I am prone to do when stressed) and watching the boys playing Warhammer, Mum called again and I spent the best part of an hour talking to her, which was good and did bring me back to reality somewhat.

As Keith pointed out to me, in his wisdom, later on, a big part of my problem is that I feel I have to be responsible for everything and that I have to cope and manage all of these stressful situations... or in his words, keep all the balls in the air by myself.

Its difficult sometimes to admit that I can't do it. There always seems to be consequences for other people when I can't do it and then I have guilt attached to stress.

Not being able to cope makes me feel like such a failure and at the moment, having nowhere to live and relying on friends, family and the ever-wonderful Keith, I feel like a huge burden.

Yes, I know, blardy blardy blah... I should probably stop babbling on now and just be glad I am alive to be writing this.

And I am glad!

Just wasn't expecting to be quite so shockingly unable to handle things....