Two Years Today!

Happy Anniversary Keith!!

Love you loads

xxxxx

...and The Other Thing ...

I didn't feel I could just add this into the previous post. I thought about posting it retrospectively, as though I had written it on the day but didn't feel that would be right either.

Probably the biggest and most traumatic event to happen this year was finding Douggie, my step-father, dead in his flat.

I can't really think of a nice, gentle way to write about this, so blunt will have to do.

I was away for the weekend at Keith's. My Mum had gone to my Nan's. No-one could get in touch with Douggie and Mum called me worried about him on the Friday evening. She didn't call back over the rest of the weekend so I made the assumption that all was OK.

It was a weird weekend anyway. Friday was the 18th September and Saturday was a day I didn't want to acknowledge (nothing to do with it being Talk Like a Pirate Day). I don't recall much about Sunday but I do remember waking up Monday morning with a terrible feeling of anxiety. So much so that I even remarked to Keith while I was driving him to work that I had a really bad feeling about something but I didn't know what it was.

I got to work and got a call from my Mum who was at dialysis. She was still worried about Douggie and she and my sister were going to pop around to check on him when she got home at 1:30 that afternoon. My feeling of dread resurfaced (it had been simmering in the background all morning) so I offered to go with them as Mum has a dodgy heart and I really didn't want her to walk in on what I imagined she could be walking in on.

I left work early - explained my concerns to my manager and my colleagues and assured them that I'd keep them posted. I got home before Mum only to find that my sister now couldn't come so I would have to take Mum myself.

Great.

I couldn't let my Mum go in first. I'd rather she'd not gone in at all. I wanted to call the police to get them to check before we got there but she wasn't having any of it. She didn't want them disturbing Douggie if the worst had happened.

We got to his flat and persuaded the warden to let us in - we didn't have his spare key because Mum hadn't been able to find it in the cupboard. I managed to persuade Mum to stay in the hallway while I went in and checked.

I'm not going to go into detail. He'd died on either the Friday evening or the Saturday morning. It wasn't cold weather. It wasn't a cold flat. It was Monday afternoon when I found him. That's one memory I wish I didn't have in my head.

Anyhow, his daughter lives in Barking and doesn't drive so as the eldest step-daughter (and the only one present) I had the task of pulling myself together, phoning everyone who needed to be phoned and arranging the funeral.

I agreed the date with the funeral directors. I organised his cremation for 6th October, which was, unbeknown to me, his and my Mum's 25th anniversary.

Keith was good. He was there for me (after a minor hiccup). He came to the funeral with me and held me when I cried.

I arranged to have the Last Post played and the traditional Military Funeral music, the name of which escapes me now. It was a good way to say goodbye. My sister hosted the wake. I didn't feel up to socialising so I didn't stay for long. Keith and I left and went to grab something to eat at TGI Friday's on the way back to his house.

Douggie was part of my life for 28 years and now he's gone. I don't want to remember him laying curled up on the floor where he'd collapsed next to his bed. I don't want to remember seeing his false teeth which had rolled under the bed. Sadly I think that for a very long time those will be the first images I see whenever I think of him. For weeks afterwards they were the only images I saw every time I closed my eyes.

I don't really know what else to say...

New House, New Job, Same wonderful man...

Wow... its been long. So much has happened since I last blogged.

I have somewhere to live! Not a palace and not mine but a rented three bed place in Eltham, SE London. It's down the road from Mum's, its nice, quiet and calming and no little chavvy gits running about outside! It's not far from Nick so he is relieved I am not taking Gemima a million miles away and the kids get to stay in the same schools. I moved in on 12 October - had no credit history so had to pay six months rent up front - also had to buy most of the furnishings as I basically had bugger all. Bye bye savings!

I have a new job! My contract with LDT in Bexley was due to end early this month so a job hunt was necessary. I'm now working for social services in Bromley with older people. Been there since 26 October so the past few weeks have been mainly about settling into the new home and settling into the new job!

I went on holiday! Keith and I took Aaron, Gemima and Keith's Mum, Linda to the Isle of Wight for a week. It was lovely. Many, many photos were taken and blogged on Keith's page. We had a lovely time.

Keith and I are still going strong. Tomorrow is our official 2nd anniversary and we are actually celebrating it this year! We're off out to see SPiT LiKE THiS tonight - we seem to see a lot of them!

I've been out and about seeing more bands and events this year than I have in the last 15 years! I have been utterly lazy about blogging this year but now that I am settled (ish) that will change. I've bought myself a camera too!

Watch this space!

Animals With Lightsabers

Haaaaaa.... OK so this is very silly but it made me laugh







More silliness to be found at Animals With Lightsabers

BoHeMan Rhapsody

This has to be the gayest video ever made to this song...

... yes, even gayer than the Queen video!

What A Difference A Day (or two) Makes

I began last week with a feeling of utter dread.

I hate July... with a passion! As much as I hate January. After the last year and a half its got to the point where I start to feel sick and then emotionally withdrawn about a week or two before those months arrive (which kind of puts a downer on Christmas and my birthday!).

The reasons, as some of you may know, are because there are a couple of fairly significant anniversaries for Keith which have understandably been difficult for him, therefore consequently, difficult for me too (albeit for completely different reasons).

By last Monday I was an absolute loony (as is probably evident from my blog and a variety of Facebook status updates).

After much talking on Monday and Tuesday night, Keith asked me to come home to him on the Wednesday night. A surprise (a very welcome one) and a significant step forward for me (and him too possibly). Wednesday morning I got a text first thing telling me to go and read a blog he wrote called "Toni Scott - Wonder Woman". If you read his blog (which you should because its really good) you will understand that I reacted first with tears and a sense of disbelief and then with lunacy (I made Karen come down and read it too!).

Needless to say the message DID get through and I DID feel a whole lot better about things after I read it. I'd also like to thank Stephanie for her offer of support should I need it.

I came home to Keith and spent the night with him (it was stressful but that was down to family stuff and kids and fortunately nothing to do with where my head had been going in Monday). It was good to snuggle... which is exactly what we did... all night.

We did the same Thursday night too; Gemima was at her dad's so I headed back to SWF after work.

And for the record... Keith, I LOVE YOU TOO!!

Here we go again

I am a yo-yo... apparently... at least that's what I feel like.

Every six months I go through this.

up... down... up... down... and so on and so forth...

And now we're on to cycle number 4.

I know - its probably easy for people to read this and think they know what I am talking about and think I am being selfish or thoughtless... but I am so rarely selfish or thoughtless.

Sometimes I need to put ME first and its easy to judge someone when you haven't walked in their shoes.

I don't really have much in the way of emotional capacity at the moment.

So for now I am going to go and hide in my head for about a week.

Someone wake me when its over....