Fairies

A married couple in their sixties are visited one day by a fairy, who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my husband" says the wife.

Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

Her husband says, "Sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her magic wand and the husband becomes 92.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember, fairies are female.

Quick!

Squish it!

Animals With Lightsabers

Haaaaaa.... OK so this is very silly but it made me laugh







More silliness to be found at Animals With Lightsabers

BoHeMan Rhapsody

This has to be the gayest video ever made to this song...

... yes, even gayer than the Queen video!

More Silliness

New Improved Mr Men!!!

Biblical Contradictions

Having spent a good chunk of my childhood in a convent boarding school where we were made to go to church every day and several times on Sunday, I experienced an incredibly childish feeling of smugness when I came across a website dedicated to contradictions in the bible.

Thought I would go ahead and share a few...

"For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever." (Jeremiah 3:12)
"Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever." (Jeremiah 17:4)

"If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid." (John 5:31)
"Jesus answered: Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid." (John 8:14)

"And Jesus coming, spoke to them, saying: All power is given to me in heaven and in earth." (Matthew 28:18)
"the whole world is under control of the evil one." (1 John 5:19)

And Jesus said, "For judgement I am come into this world." (John 9:39)
"I came not to judge the world" (John 12:47)

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)
"Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 6:1)

"Jacob said, 'I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.'" (Genesis 32:30)
"No man hath seen God at any time." (John 1:18)

We should fear God (Matthew 10:28)
We should love God (Matthew 22:37)
There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18)

If you like that sort of thing you can find more HERE.

Beer Warning!!!

Police are warning all clubbers, conference-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Give this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Understanding Computer Jargon

Alpha

Software undergoes Alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback.

Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work”.

Beta

Software undergoes Beta testing shortly before its released.

Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work”.

Computer

Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger “Duffy” Billinglsy, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Hitler became so enraged at the “Incompatible File Format” error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler’s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU

Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consist of a hard drive, an interface card, and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is an old machine, a ferret if it’s a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it’s anything faster.

Default Directory

Black Hole. Default directory is where all the files that you need disappear to.

Error Message

Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcoming.

File

A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware

Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help

What we all need. Actually it’s the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input / Output

Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognisable junk.

Interim Release

A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory

Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer

A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers

Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons and memorised Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user friendly” software to get their revenge.

Reference Manual

Object that raises the monitor to eye-level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date

A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User Friendly

Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users

Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert:

Novice:

People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate:

People who don’t know how to fix their computers after they just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert:

People who break other people’s computers.

Useless Tit

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts.

He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,

"Lord, what can be done with this useless tit?"

So God created man.