All Change...

Had another mini metamorphosis, as those of you who know me will be aware that I do from time to time...

Only changed my hair colour this time tho - here's pics of the process...

Bleached out the purple.....


Added the red

Dried and straightened (hadn't realised how hard it is to straighten your hair with whiplash!)

The next morning... a little bit tired!

Wading Through Syrup

That's what my life feels like at the moment.

What with the court fiasco last week on top of feeling battered and bruised, dealing with insurance claims, being told by work that I cannot resume until the GP gives me a certificate to say I am fit to do so (which he has refused to do) and trying to plough my way through the tome that is Nick's financial statement, it all feels just a little bit too much to cope with.

Not to mention the NVQ assignment that I am supposed to have done by 15th - there is no way that is happening!

Still - could be worse - as my sister pointed out - at least I feel like I am wading through syrup and not wading through shit!

Although, come to think of it.....

Keith was a star. He came up with a whole list of things to ask my solicitor (he is pissed off that Nick named him in the court documents).

It was good to have that support. Just as it was good to have Karen with me at the court last week. I feel so much like I am battling through things alone sometimes that its good to be reminded that there are people who are there for me and I don't always have to do it all by myself.

Sometimes its hard to admit that I can't and I have to remind myself that it is actually OK to ask for help.

I am feeling strangely displaced again and my head is still bouncing about like a yoyo but I do feel a little more focused since Keith sat and went through the Form E (finance stuff) with me.

After going to the solicitors, I went to the house to collect some things. The solicitor has advised me that as I am no longer able to live at the house due to Nick's behaviour then I am within my rights to stop paying towards the mortgage.

So, given that next month I will have a grand total of £bugger.all coming in because I've not been able to go into work, I have decided that this month's salary needs to stretch as far as possible to the end of Jan, therefore I am going to be a phenomenally tight-fisted bugger (good job i already got most xmas prezzies) and am no longer going to be subsidising nick and his brother to live in the house.

Oh yes, and I removed my internet hub from the house and took meter readings for gas and electric, as they are in my name only and I am cancelling them! If Nick wants light, heat and an internet connection he can pay for it.

Amusing hi-light of the day - going through Nick's form E to find a £60 payment for a subscription to dateline.com!

Home Again...

Travelled back to London this afternoon.

Although I was achy when I woke up this morning, I felt nowhere near as bad as Keith...

Not so by the time I'd lugged a suitcase back on the train though!

Was met at North Greenwich by my brother, Jamie and Aaron. It was nice to see Aaron and I got a long cuddle before I was allowed to get in the car!

Jamie took us all off to Nandos where we had yummy chicken, chips and salad, then off to Karen's to pick up all my documents and driving license as well as have a cuppa and a chat and more cuddles from Karen and the kids.

Quick trip to see the GP, who changed my meds as the diclofenic prescribed by the hospital has been making me feel very sick. The fact that my back and shoulders were so stiff I was having difficulty moving went some way towards him agreeing to make a referral for physiotherapy for me and giving me a prescription for co-dydramol. Brilliant painkiller - completely knocks me out!

Am off work now pretty much for the rest of the week. Hopefully I'll be able to sort out the hire car by then.

Its nice being at my Mum's. I haven't stayed here for a while. I miss Keith and cuddles and I suspect I will miss him more when there's no-one to snuggle with tonight but its good to spend time with the children. Gemima is with her dad tonight so I haven't seen her yet and I miss her.

It will be nice to pick her up from school tomorrow and see her look surprised because she doesn't know I'm going to be there.

I'm looking forward to that

Melty Brain Syndrome

I was supposed to have travelled back to London by train last night but sadly my brain went into complete meltdown and I ended up staying at Keith's for another night.

Thank you Keith for putting up with your emotional lunatic of a girlfriend!

Last night I spent about 40 minutes in the shower - not unusual for me as Keith will attest - only in this case, about 30 of those minutes were spent curled in a ball sobbing. Luckily for me, Keith and Sam were downstairs playing Warhammer and so didn't hear me, because I really couldn't have stopped or explained myself at all!

There's something very alarming about sobbing uncontrollably. I've only ever done it once before and that was when I was 12!

Good old Mum (as if she doesn't have enough on her plate). I texted her a garbled and somewhat insane message and she called and calmed me down and persuaded me that perhaps Keith really wouldn't mind if I wasn't able to leave immediately.

And as it turned out, she was right.

A short while later, after having a mad cleaning spree in the kitchen (as I am prone to do when stressed) and watching the boys playing Warhammer, Mum called again and I spent the best part of an hour talking to her, which was good and did bring me back to reality somewhat.

As Keith pointed out to me, in his wisdom, later on, a big part of my problem is that I feel I have to be responsible for everything and that I have to cope and manage all of these stressful situations... or in his words, keep all the balls in the air by myself.

Its difficult sometimes to admit that I can't do it. There always seems to be consequences for other people when I can't do it and then I have guilt attached to stress.

Not being able to cope makes me feel like such a failure and at the moment, having nowhere to live and relying on friends, family and the ever-wonderful Keith, I feel like a huge burden.

Yes, I know, blardy blardy blah... I should probably stop babbling on now and just be glad I am alive to be writing this.

And I am glad!

Just wasn't expecting to be quite so shockingly unable to handle things....

A Swift Taste of My Own Mortality

And there it was. Just when I thought all was crap and I really couldn't cope with any more stress whatsoever, life decided to up, give me a slap and make me take a sharp look at what's important.

How so?

With a ridiculously lucky escape from what could have so easily been a fatal car crash.

Winding up at a 90 degree angle across the M25 with headlights racing towards you doing at least 70mph, while your door is so damaged that it has jammed shut, is a somewhat sobering reality check.

Luckily I was able to do what Keith later described as a "hollywood style kick" and bust the door open to get out.

Long story short, some idiot was speeding, lost control of his car, hit my drivers door at about 45 degree angle, pushing me into the back of a very large Argos delivery lorry.

The car's a write off but luckily, Keith, Sam and I are all still here without a scratch... plenty of bumps, bruises and a job lot of whiplash all round though!

Suffice it to say that walking away from this has refocused me and made me see just what is important. Unnecessary stress can be done away with.

That creaky old shelf in my head where my separate boxes of stress reside... all swept away.

Divorce... court... job... NVQ... none of it is important. I could so easily not have survived this crash and it would have made no difference to any of those things.

Family, the people I love. That's what is important. Nothing else matters.

Life is too short to worry about the things I can't change anyway.

I am wavering between being happy that I'm still here and being an emotional wreck and crying because the accident is replaying on a loop in my head and I can't sleep properly.

Its a struggle but I am trying to stay positive. Don't know how long it will last... I suspect this is probably a normal reaction to being in shock, so hopefully it won't last too long.

Obviously not my time to go yet.....

Pics from the night....

Yet Another Update!!

Been really crap at blogging lately.

Lots has happened - can't be arsed to write an essay so I will bullet point all the key stuff...

Nick and his brother are still living at the house.

Kids and I unable to be at the house because of Nick's behaviour.

No room at Mum's for me so I'm currently spending 3 nights a week at Karen's and 4 nights a week at Keith's. I am so grateful I have people in my life who are there for me and my children.

My name is down on the local authority housing list but I can't bid for a place until my name is no longer on the deeds of the house. Apparently not having anywhere to live doesn't mean I am really homeless...! Go figure!

I'll be going to Court on 4 Dec to go through finances. I'm hopeful the divorce will be rubber stamped and finalised then but I doubt it- given the track record of this process.

Mum has been ill again and has been in Kings College Hospital for yet another operation. She's home now but that didn't do my stress levels any favours!

The steep learning curve at work has gotten even steeper as I have now started my NVQ4... its equivalent to the first year of a degree (yikes!) and is a humungous pain in the arse and source of stress as I am finding it hard to fit in the space and time to do any study, given the nature of my life at the moment.

Oh yes - and to cap it all - I was off work for two weeks with sinusitis in October. I was really ill. I came into work at the end of the first week and was sent home by my director who actually told me I looked ill and shouldn't be in the building. Guess what - they docked my pay £600!! Apparently its in the contract - not that I have a contract yet. I am SO fucked off about this - at NO time when my director asked me to leave the building and be sick elsewhere did he say to me that I would not be paid if I went. It is an appalling way to treat salaried staff. I have never worked for any company that treats its staff so badly. Losing £600 was all that I needed right now.

Anyhow - I will bash out another update after the court hearing.

Hopefully there will be some good news!

More Updates

Its been a long time since I've blogged.

Lots has happened since my last post. Sadly shithead is still in the house with his brother - demands from my solicitor that they leave have fallen on deaf ears. Looks like this will definitely be dragged through the courts.

In the meantime I have not felt safe in the house when he is there, so for the past month Aaron has been sleeping on a pull-out bed in my Mum's living room and I have been alternating between Mum's sofa, Keith's house and Karen's house.

I feel like a nomad!

Gemima stays with me on Tuesday and Thursday nights and every other weekend. The rest of the time she is with him.

A HUGE thank you to Mum and Karen who have been so supportive. The kids and I would have nowhere to go if it weren't for you two.

I've been off work sick for the past couple of weeks. I think the stress of everything has worn my immune system down to nothing and what started as a bit of a cold has turned into sinusitis, a chest infection and for a while vomiting and the squits (yes - I know you all needed to know that!)

I have got myself a cheap & cheerful laptop so that I can carry my important docs with me wherever I am - I don't trust him not to trash the stuff on the PC at the house. It also means that now I can go online at Mum's and Keith's without having to interfere with what they are doing on their PCs. I still have to borrow Karen's though as she doesn't have a wireless router... might be an idea for a christmas prezzie tho!!!

This divorce has been ongoing for well over a year now and still no end in sight...

I made this earlier to cheer myself up - lots of smiley images of me with Keith...